Jan. 8th, 2015

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Went out tonight. It was good to see people. The cold got to me a bit and hips were... unpleasant by the end of the evening. It managed to hit my mood a bit. Hip still hurts (pain shooting down the entire leg, foot and leg both going a bit numb) but at least I KNOW why my mood was bad and that makes it easier to fight. Also I got to talk it out a little and that went a long way.

I need to make some positive changes in my day to day life to combat some stuff in my head.

I can start by making two big phone calls tomorrow instead of constantly convincing myself that it's not worth the trouble.
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Haven't had any coffee yet today. I'm in pain and I'm seriously low on patience. Some one made a crack about "decaf" in response to my mood today but I'm not so sure it's about that. I have only one cup of coffee a day, and often skip days with no problem. I think it's the pain.

It's bad when you're almost vaguely hoping some one steps on your toes enough that you can use them as an emotional punching bag, right?

Like I probably won't do that. But god help me, I have a lot of pent up aggression and nowhere to put it. It's starting to get to me.
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Had therapy today. It's normally Wednesdays but they rescheduled for this week. Hadn't seen her since the holidays. Realized with some weird amount of shame that I didn't have much to update her on. I've been so apathetic and lethargic lately that it feels like an accomplishment to put some real clothes on and get out of the house. I hate it. So we talked about that, mostly. My desire for stability, routine, control. How to get it back.

It won't be an overnight process. But already I've made a step in the right direction of "fuck this, I'm taking over and we're getting shit done"... fingers crossed that it was the right move and it pans out.

Tomorrow I'm really hoping pain cooperates enough that I can get some cleaning done. I have a deep loathing for the chaos of the house right now. It's disgusting and I can't keep living like this. I'll pop pills and scrub the whole damn house myself if I have to. But I'm sick of living in filth.


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