Feb. 12th, 2015

shinga: (Default)
I did not waste my youth.

I was young, hot, able-bodied (or close enough to it) and I took every advantage. Sure in my teenage years I limited myself a bit much but then I joined the Army and really put myself at there. That had some admittedly bad last effects but in my early 20s I lived it up. I danced, I partied, I had sex, I explored life, I traveled as much as money would allow, there's very few people on this earth who can ever claim I threw that time away or didn't appreciate what I had.

Because in that time, I was in pain. And it was getting worse. I was young but I wasn't stupid - I knew eventually life would end up like it is now. Where I'd be in too much pain to move, to walk much, to dance, to have a lot of sex, to party. I knew my body would give up, I knew the pain would get to me and I'd be depressed and possibly alone. So I fought to fill that time up with everything I knew I could lose at any point. I pushed myself too far a few times, danced too much, partied too hard.

I have no regrets.

But it doesn't make it any less depressing, wanting it bad. It doesn't make it easier when some young 20-something flippantly complains to me that her knee hurts a little after hours and hours of dancing.

It's not quite the same as jealousy. I tend to see jealousy as me feeling threatened by something, this is just... me wishing I had something. Not because some one else has it and I don't, because it isn't about THEM, it's about me.

I miss dancing. I miss sex, I miss walking, I miss exercise, I miss feeling that powerful, I miss going days at a time without needing the cane, I miss driving, I miss working outside the home.

I miss... so much.

If a doctor suddenly cured me magically tomorrow, there's still a lot I'll never regain about being 21. And that's okay, age happens. But I could get dancing back, I could get exercising and sex back. I'll never have that youth back, but god I still wish I could get SOME of it back.

I'm so drained and exhausted from being some kind of inspirational cripple. I'm told it's amazing that the constant pain hasn't driven me mad. It has, in some ways. I'm worried about that getting worse. I just... I don't know. In some ways the pain has shaped me into a better person because of the patience and such that it's made me learn. I've grown into some one I'm happy to be and I'm excited for ANY future that offers more of that emotional and mental growth.

But as much as I've been able to help others going through similar things, I think I'm comfortable in the selfish desire to trade that in an instant to be able to dance and drive and work and explore and travel and... *sigh*

It's been a rough day for pain and a brief awkward reminder of my youth and the pain of losing those things kind of got to me. I'll be okay. Venting a little helped.


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