Apr. 13th, 2015

shinga: (Default)
I know it's not healthy, probably, but I'm finding myself wishing I could replace some of my emotions with anger. Anger is exhausting but it's a quick burn, it leads to action, it DOES SOMETHING. Things like insecurity, jealousy, fear... they run me in circles, slow me down, fill me with regret and doubt. I'm so exhausted by it. Constant anger would theoretically be worse, but I'm not looking for 100% rage all the time or anything. I just want... I don't know. Something else. Something that's not a constant low-key quietly throbbing gloominess. Anger might be something that's frequently used wrong, that can lead to destruction, but it's like fire. Fire, if wielded right, is incredibly useful and productive. It gets shit done.

Maybe I need more of it. So long as I keep it under control.

I don't know. I just want out of this self-locked cage. I want fire instead of ice. I feel so numb right now, even though there's things happening that should theoretically make me angry. And if I were in a healthier place, they WOULD make me angry. Instead it just makes the numbness worse. Instead I convince myself that it's not worth the energy.
shinga: (Default)
Got out of the house today. Checked out this Swedish shop in Plano I'd never heard of called The Wooden Spoon. I will DEFINITELY need to go back. I loved it.

Pictures )

Also it was just... a really good time to get out of the house. I was tense and upset and lonely and frustrated with the VA and people and yeah. Getting out, geeking out with a friend for a while and getting some good talking time in, seeing new things, getting cool stuff... I needed the break. It calmed my head down a bit.

Hopefully it carries through for the rest of the night.

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shinga

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