shinga: (Default)
I'm not particularly attached to my last name. No family pride or desire to pass on the name to any potential children (they can have Will's name, I really don't care about that part). But at the same time... it is mine. While theoretically there's nothing holding me back if I want to change my last name when I get married... just... I don't know. It's a part of me, of my identity. Theoretically I could just add his name. Make "Bussell" a second middle name so that I'm not giving anything up, just adding. His last name would be easier to pronounce and I could still sign "Bussell" on my art accurately.

I don't know. It's not that I think changing my name would make me panic and run away from all of this. It's not that I think he's "taking over" anything, that I'd somehow be less of a person in my own right, but... I don't know. IF I take his name, I like the idea of it just being in PART. It'd look stupid hyphenated, and I don't even need the rest of the world to know that I still kept my birth name. This is more about me and my identity.

Will doesn't give a shit either way, he's made sure I know that. And I do. I've never once felt pressured to take his last name.

I don't know, I have some time to make this decision. My therapist pointed out that I often compare my levels of fear to levels of potential gain and make a decision from there, and she worried that I was letting my fear outweigh the gain. But I pointed out to her... WHAT GAIN? There's no real gain. I don't need to change my name to show commitment to my marriage, after all.

I lean more and more towards just keeping my name as-is. But my whole life I assumed I'd change my name to my husband's, and got used to the idea. Now that it's actually a possibility... well that's almost 30 years of attitude adjustment I've got to work through.


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August 2016

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