shinga | (no subject)

I find myself terrified of my future. I see my disability getting worse and wondering if this is as bad as it gets or eventually I'll be unable to walk at all. I worry that no matter how patient, eventually my loved ones will tire of me. They'll tire of the fact that I can't always perform normal tasks like chores and such. Tire of my moods when I'm in a lot of pain. Tire of me needing things like my wheelchair. I worry that eventually I'll be seen as an inconvenience and it will outweigh any love they have for me, or any of the good qualities I have. I worry that those good qualities just won't be enough. I also fear them feeling this way and not telling me, and rather living an unhappy life with me, secretly resenting me.

I've been having a really hard time walking this week. Worse than usual. I look like a feeble old woman when I walk, and have been spending most of my time on the couch struggling to find a comfortable position. Sleep doesn't come easy, I'm moody during the day (also PMSing, and it's definitely going to be another rough Shark Week what with me already cramping)... the pain's been so bad I'm nauseous from it.

I'm easily angry and afraid lately. It's partly the hormones, partly the pain, partly all the men in my life lately confirming all the fears I have about how men think re: looks, weight, etc...

At least the kitties love me no matter what.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Any kind of disability or chronic illness/pain issue sets one up for this kind of mental/emotional drain-circling. And 'though I admire your art work and your writing online, I don't know you well enough to presume to attempt a comforting.

I know only what works some what for myself: I remind myself that apparently perfectly healthy non-impaired persons have plenty of qualities that can render them similarly a pain in the ass or unlovable! My own dysfunction, pain, and injury/illness issues are simply easier to see than rampant narcissism, for instance.

I am really sorry about the pain and distress, and the PMSing. I hope it is some comfort to assure you that at least that last one does someday end! Menopause made me feel like breakfasting on champagne just because I knew so much of the nonsense accompanying the much praised 'fertile years' was going to be GONE!

And yes, kitties are good.