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"They're not the same person I married", "You're not the person I met a year ago", "I don't even know you anymore".
Yup.
In therapy recently we were discussing marriage/relationships and the struggles therein. She said something that's kind of stuck with me pretty hard. She made a good point, which I'll try to repeat and elaborate on here.
You're a different person than you were six months ago, and very different from a year ago, and hardly recognizable after five. Depending on what happens to you in those times, you could be that unrecognizable person at just six months. And with that in mind... fuck, no wonder relationships are hard. No wonder marriages and friendships fall apart.
The more I've spent thinking about this, the more it's helped. It's weirdly comforting, actually. Sometimes things fail, sometimes you lose that deep connection you used to have with some one... and sometimes it's not that either of you are at fault. It's just that you're literally two different people now, and while the people you used to be worked out very well, the people you are now... not so much. There just isn't that connection anymore.
I could probably look at this as something depressing. Kind of a "so what's the point? everyone I love, everyone I connect with, we both eventually change and drift apart" thing...
But I see it as the opposite. Now that I can see this clearly... I'll be okay. EITHER WAY, I "lose" that person I knew six months/a year/five years ago. THEY ARE ALREADY GONE. And either this new person is some one things will work out well with, or they aren't.
I'm seeing this as something good. It's an opportunity to get to know my friend/lover/partner all over again. It's an opportunity to find a way to connect with them, to strengthen the connection we started out with.
There are times it's not gonna be possible. Like I said... marriages fail, relationships fail, friendships fail. Even when people keep in mind that the person they're trying to connect to is different, changed, grown... EVEN keeping all of this in mind is no guarantee. Sometimes the differences and changes are negative, or they're just so deeply incompatible that there's no coming back from that. The connection might be severed, it could be years before the people the two of you become could connect again and possibly not ever.
But even if I lose these "new" people along the line... I still had that connection when it was possible. I still loved them, unquestionably. Their growth is not something I'll find myself bitter towards. Sad? Sure, nostalgia and wishful thinking aren't going to suddenly go away. Some of the connections I've made with people were very, very hard to lose. But I'm a different person, as are they - as we are NOW... it wouldn't be the same. But you know what? I had that connection at some point, and it made me a better person. I hope it was a positive for them too.
I don't know. It's something I'm going to keep in mind. If anything it'll help me maintain the relationships I have now - to never assume the person I'm interacting with is the same person I interacted with a year ago. To never expect them to stay stagnant for my own comfort and need for that familiar connection. The relationship has to constantly grow and change with us, or it'll die.
Yup.
In therapy recently we were discussing marriage/relationships and the struggles therein. She said something that's kind of stuck with me pretty hard. She made a good point, which I'll try to repeat and elaborate on here.
You're a different person than you were six months ago, and very different from a year ago, and hardly recognizable after five. Depending on what happens to you in those times, you could be that unrecognizable person at just six months. And with that in mind... fuck, no wonder relationships are hard. No wonder marriages and friendships fall apart.
The more I've spent thinking about this, the more it's helped. It's weirdly comforting, actually. Sometimes things fail, sometimes you lose that deep connection you used to have with some one... and sometimes it's not that either of you are at fault. It's just that you're literally two different people now, and while the people you used to be worked out very well, the people you are now... not so much. There just isn't that connection anymore.
I could probably look at this as something depressing. Kind of a "so what's the point? everyone I love, everyone I connect with, we both eventually change and drift apart" thing...
But I see it as the opposite. Now that I can see this clearly... I'll be okay. EITHER WAY, I "lose" that person I knew six months/a year/five years ago. THEY ARE ALREADY GONE. And either this new person is some one things will work out well with, or they aren't.
I'm seeing this as something good. It's an opportunity to get to know my friend/lover/partner all over again. It's an opportunity to find a way to connect with them, to strengthen the connection we started out with.
There are times it's not gonna be possible. Like I said... marriages fail, relationships fail, friendships fail. Even when people keep in mind that the person they're trying to connect to is different, changed, grown... EVEN keeping all of this in mind is no guarantee. Sometimes the differences and changes are negative, or they're just so deeply incompatible that there's no coming back from that. The connection might be severed, it could be years before the people the two of you become could connect again and possibly not ever.
But even if I lose these "new" people along the line... I still had that connection when it was possible. I still loved them, unquestionably. Their growth is not something I'll find myself bitter towards. Sad? Sure, nostalgia and wishful thinking aren't going to suddenly go away. Some of the connections I've made with people were very, very hard to lose. But I'm a different person, as are they - as we are NOW... it wouldn't be the same. But you know what? I had that connection at some point, and it made me a better person. I hope it was a positive for them too.
I don't know. It's something I'm going to keep in mind. If anything it'll help me maintain the relationships I have now - to never assume the person I'm interacting with is the same person I interacted with a year ago. To never expect them to stay stagnant for my own comfort and need for that familiar connection. The relationship has to constantly grow and change with us, or it'll die.