Useless Ramblings

"I'm Not Like Those Other Girls", or "How Striving To Be The Low-Maintenance Perfect Woman Has Actually Harmed My Relationships"

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Warning: the language used in this post is going to be fairly heteronormative-sounding due to the usual types of relationships and interactions that seem to bring on this toxic issue. However non-hetero people can and do fall into the same traps.

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We’ve all heard it when we’re starting up a relationship. “You’re amazing,” he says, in awe of you. “You’re so laid back, you’re into all the stuff I’m into, you’re not dramatic or high-maintenance… you’re not like other girls.”

It sounds so nice, doesn’t it? It sounds like a compliment. Like you’ve risen above your basic evolutionary failings as a girl and you’ve grown into a confident emotionally mature (and therefore attractive) woman. You don’t stoop to those low levels of backstabbing catty jealous girlhood, which is something everyone seems to quietly agree is “the norm”. You’re not like those other girls - you’re better.

It works for a while, doesn’t it? After all, your relationship is going well. You have so many things in common, you feel confident in his devotion to you. You’re in love and when you’re in love there’s no need for drama, no need for insecurity, no need for arguments and demands (all of which are clearly failings on the Other Girls’ end). He goes on and on about how this all makes you the Perfect Woman.

But it doesn’t last, does it? Suddenly you start noticing little things here and there. Logically you know it probably means that New Relationship Smell is fading away. Which isn’t a bad thing, you’ve become established as a couple. But it means you’re suddenly needing more. You aren’t as comfortable with him blowing off important things in favor of his own hobbies and interests. You aren’t okay with the way he teases your shortcomings. You aren’t as easy-going when he forgets to call or text when he’s out late drinking or partying with his friends to make sure he’s safe. All seemingly easy things to work on, right? Unless you’re still striving to be his Perfect Woman.

It’s not easy, is it? You have to make a choice. Do you sacrifice your status as The Perfect Woman and bring up these issues? Do you ask him to make changes to improve your relationship? Or do you stay silent, because his insistence on your attractiveness being rooted in your lack of “Other Girl”-ness seems vital to your relationship.

So now what? You have a choice. You either smile and nod and pretend these things still don’t bother you the same way they didn’t bother you in the beginning (which, despite what he might say, is not hypocritical… people change)… or you fight for your relationship to evolve and grow and demand the same level of respect and compromise from him that he demands from you. In the first scenario, he stays comfortable. He stays happy. He still sees you as this paragon of girl-ness, this amazing hero of femininity that doesn’t come with the awful complications thousands of movies and books and TV shows and comedians insist exists in every woman… but you sacrifice your own happiness in pursuit of this ideal of “perfection” he’s encouraged. In the second scenario you stand your ground and insist on your own happiness’s importance, and you strive for an adult and equal relationship… while running the risk of losing the person you love because his illusion is shattered. In an ideal scenario he’ll appreciate your candor and independence of his vision of you. He grows to love you as the individual and not as the dream. But that’s not always how that ends - you know this. And loneliness is a powerful fear. Is it worth the risk?

I personally struggle with this constantly (even more so in poly when his other relationships might be a bit heavier on “drama” - it’s easy to want to be the stable thing he can count on). In every relationship I’ve started with a man, he’s fallen head over heels in love with the idea that I’m Not Like Other Girls. I match his interests and hobbies, I’m patient and relaxed, I’m confident, I’m selfless. Everything is drama-free and upfront, everything is good and wonderful and “perfect”.

Which has put me in a bind every time. Because when a problem does arise, suddenly I’m not sure if me fighting it is going to be seen as being an independent individual (with the confidence he claims he loves) or I’m going to be seem as Just Another Dramatic Girl.

The easy solution here is to stop seeing these Girls and Women as a hive mind. Every woman has a different heart and mind, every woman will be bothered by things another woman won’t, every woman will find some things fun and others frustrating. There is no “Other Girls” (In fact, I prefer not to be called a “girl” at all but that’s not the issue at hand here). I’m a grown woman, an individual. I’m not unique in this. I AM “like other girls”. I will have flaws and perks, I will have strengths and weaknesses, I will like one thing and hate another and it will be just as unique and different as every single other woman out there.

This is a flaw in everyone’s logic, men and women alike. Some women like to brag that “they’re not like those other girls” - I’ve been guilty of this same thing. This is, we think, a compliment. Girls are backstabbing, girls are shallow, girls are catty, girls don’t like “boy things” like cars and sports and geek culture, girls are fake, girls are over-emotional. Some girls backstab, sure. Some are shallow. Some are catty. But all of these traits, good and bad, are gender-neutral. But the assumption that women are the “other” whereas male is the assumed dominant gender means that it’s easy to lump them all into one category. It’s why stereotypes are assumed to be truth - the “default” needs to categorize and limit in order to, in their minds, “understand”. There is no understanding women, same as there is no understanding men. You can understand on an individual level only. Seeing an individual and limiting them to the stereotypes of their group is unfair… it limits them, it limits you, and it limits your relationship.

So yes, this has harmed my relationships, over and over. Because over and over I find myself not liking something a partner has said or done, and I stop myself before speaking. Will I be seem as too confrontational? Is this a legitimate problem, or “just drama”? Am I being unreasonable? All of these things are questions the “Perfect Woman” has to keep asking herself. Everyone has a limit, everyone has something they won’t be happy with when interacting with another human being. That’s not “drama”, that’s not “over-emotional”. It’s conflict, sure. But some conflict is healthy. Without conflict and individual cannot grow, and without conflict (from both outside and inside) a couple cannot grow either. I don’t mean constant fighting or anything, but a relationship should be between two individual personalities and people with individual wants and needs, and conflict is necessary and normal. It’s not easy, but it’s healthy.

This can’t and won’t be fixed overnight with me. Every time a man is excited that I’m not dramatic or jealous or reactionary, I worry that any negative in our relationship is going to shift his perspective and his vision of me will be destroyed and I lose that connection. In an ideal world I’d shrug this off with a “well I can do better - if all he wants is the idea of me and leaves the second I’m not as low-maintenance as he wants, I’m better off”… and as an idea that’s correct. But that risk is always going to be there, that concern and worry in the back of my mind… even if they’ve not really done anything to cause or encourage that concern.

The best way to rid ourselves of this is to accept that there is no “Other Girls”. Because I am like other girls, honey. I am. I am unique, yes, but so are they. There is no universal feminine trait, there is no hive mind. Do not compliment me by putting other women down. Not only do you insult other women, you insult me, and you set our relationship up for failure from the very beginning. Because now everything about me that you end up not liking will be lumped as a “woman” thing and you’ll either ignore it entirely (“Honey it’s just your time of the month, this isn’t a real problem” or “Why do girls always get so upset about this?” - which rids yourself of the responsibility as my partner to engage in this discussion and work on it with me) or you’ll feel betrayed because you thought I was somehow above the pack.

So, yes. In all ways I’m not like other girls, in the exact same ways that I am like other girls. Hell even you, male reader, are both like and unlike these mystical “Other Girls”. There are no feminine traits, there are no masculine traits. Jealousy, shallowness, cattiness, anger, avoidance, passive aggression… all of these and more as seen as “Other Girls” traits, but both men and women have them. Yes even that Perfect Woman that you think is exempt from human flaws.

Stop. Stop saying I’m not like other girls. Stop establishing early on that these flaws and hurt feelings aren’t allowed. I am like other girls. I am like other women. I am like some men, too. And until you realize we’re on the same page emotionally, we’re not going to work. The less pressure out there to be “better” than others in your group, the more we can have an open and honest and healthy relationship where we can BOTH discuss what bothers us and what makes us happy. Even if those things are “stereotypical”.

I'm slowly evaluating my emotions right now.

So last week a thing happened that upset me. I've talked it out with one of the people involved but not the other. No maliciousness was involved, but I was still hurt. Hurt, angry, upset, and sad.

But these emotions are so much easier to handle when they're directed at something or some one.

Right now... I don't really have that.

I sometimes crave more irrationality. I have JUST enough to feel the more wild and untamed emotional responses to things, but not enough to direct them at some one. Instead I feel the emotions, and say "Well it's not really that person's fault, they didn't mean to hurt me, it was an innocent act on their part, they just made a mistake"... especially if the person has already apologized and started to make amends.

So now I have all these feelings and nowhere to really direct them at. I think at this point most people would just go ahead and let themselves feel the anger at the people involved, but... I don't want to do that. It'd be easier, probably. But it wouldn't really... help. Yes I still need to keep the lines of communication open and work through it, but... I need to cool off and NOT turn this into anger and attacks and accusations. It only makes it worse and pretty soon there's WAY more hurt involved than there needs to be.

Right now I just need to figure out what to do with directionless negativity. Mostly... I just need to find ways to burn it off. Music, maybe. Socializing or quiet time. Baths. Meditation. Art. Writing. Just... embrace the anger and hurt and pain and let it burn itself out like a controlled fire, rather than trying and failing to snuff it out too soon and watch it slowly burn way too much around me.

I think this sounds like the best option. I don't know. It sounds good to me, right now... but it could also be me in my desperation for control grasping at this situation like a drowning man for a lifeboat. I'm lacking in control in my life right now and it's driving me a bit nutty and, yes, that tends to sometimes manifest a little stronger when I'm emotional. I get angrier with myself because I can't control my emotions and I end up just shoving them down and not addressing the problem.

I'm working on it. So far I'm doing better this time than I normally do.

We'll see.

Ugh, growing and maturing is a pain the ass.

I don't do the emotionally vulnerable openness thing very well. Every time I try it, I... GUESS I eventually get it right? But I feel like I'm stumbling constantly, like I'm a newborn baby deer who hasn't quite figured out the concept of its own legs. I'm technically, in this baby deer scenario, walking... I get to my destination eventually... but my legs are shaky and I probably look like a bit of an idiot and I'm hoping whoever is around to witness it is more likely to be patient and encouraging than just pointing and laughing at the idiot who hasn't figured out the very simple task of walking.

I'll figure it out. But the whole vulnerable emotional thing is going to take a lot of work... those tiny deer legs are going to be wobbling for a long damn time. :P

August starts tomorrow. To say that I'm nervous is... a slight understatement, but only slight. I've pinpointed SOME of the sources of the anxiety spikes in the last week or so (surprise, surprise - it's control issues!)

I need to sit down and make a big ol' to-do list for August and schedule goals by the week. If I just take this one week at a time in goal-terms, and one day at a time in routine terms, I can hopefully stave off as much September-related anxiety as possible.

*sigh*

One of the most frustrating things about my control issues is trying to find that balance... because dammit I LIKE being in control, I don't see that as a flaw. But it becomes a flaw when anything OUT of my control sort of just breaks something very vital in my brain. And I do mean rather big stuff, at least... I'm not going to freak out every time some one else is planning an outing, or some one else makes a decision... unless that decision is something I disagree with or affects me negatively I really don't give a shit. I LIKE other people having their own control too, and having input. It's... it's big life stuff. Stuff I'm not sure I'll control as well as I hope I can.

I've come to rely on the level of control I have in my environment. When that environment has a big change... it's not that I consciously think "I can't do this, I can't handle it", but I'm pretty sure it's where the anxiety comes in. I logically and reasonably KNOW I CAN FUCKING HANDLE IT. With grace, with ease, with as much "fuck you world I got this shit" attitude as I take on just about every shit-pile that's ever been thrown at my head. And yet... always, ALWAYS, in the back of my stupid head... what if I don't this time?

... And what IF I don't? Will people leave me, realize I'm weak and not want anything to do with me? Will I lose everything I've worked for in my life, suddenly end up in the streets because I didn't handle ONE bit of change very well? Yes these are extreme things - but therapist recommended going super ridiculous with things sometimes just to point out to my Floating Anxiety Buddy* how fucking ridiculous its being.

So... I have a lot to work on in the next month. Get work done. Things around the house, financial-type work. Work harder in therapy on NOT actively avoiding working hard in therapy... actually try to pinpoint some of this bullshit and work on it for once. September is a big looming scary thing and I can kick its ass.

( * )

This whole "in a fuckton of pain" thing really got to my head today.

I hurt myself last night. Not on purpose, not that kind of "hurt myself", nothing intentional. We were sitting and playing Pathfinder. I was in the comfiest chair. The chair helped. But the chair was also very close to the chairs on either side so every time I had to get up to use the bathroom I had to pull some fucking acrobatic shit just to get free. This involved some hip twisting... and as careful and deliberate as I was, I still managed to twist wrong and ended up hurting myself pretty fucking badly.

This was about three hours before the end of the game. I managed to focus enough to get through it, though a couple of times I had trouble adding numbers or remembering when it was my turn in combat. For the most part I'm pretty sure no one but Will noticed (except one person making a snarky comment about me getting my numbers wrong - he meant it playfully and I wasn't upset at him but it did make me feel a bit awkward for a while)

We ended around 10, the ride home was long and quiet. I took painkillers as soon as I got home (had forgotten to bring them with me - honestly didn't think it'd even be a problem) and crashed hard. Woke up around 2am when Will came to bed. The pain was... dizzying. I remember checking my phone and messaging for a bit before falling asleep on the couch. I woke up several times more throughout the night. I didn't want to take a second painkiller.

Woke up fully around... I don't know, eight or nine. I did okay for a bit. I don't remember much about this morning, really. The pain stayed consistently bad. A fellow local chronic pain person on FB mentioned that the weather might be a problem but that the pressure SHOULD change by tonight and hopefully relieve some of it.

My mood was pretty awful. I was hungry but unable to get up and make anything. The simple solution would be "ask Will or Roq for help", but I just... I got tired. I got exhausted. I'm so... so fucking sick of needing help with almost every aspect of my life. Yes this is a pride thing, in part, but it's also just craving very basic levels of independence and I don't think I'm being absurd or irrational in wishing I had these simple capabilities. Things like, I don't know, "being able to fucking feed myself", or other things like "getting myself to the goddamn store to buy milk instead of needing some one else to do it", or "drive myself to a doctor's appointment for once instead of begging every fucking time for help" or "pay for a meal for once instead of needing some one to pick up the fucking tab because you barely make enough money to pay the bills much less buy anything else because you can't have a normal fucking job".

I'm just tired. It's easy for people to smile and say, "But people love you! Just ask for help, they'll help!" ... I know they will. But I'm tired of HAVING to ask. And yes I'm also paranoid that their patience will run out. That eventually Will's going to wake up one day in a year or five or twenty and say, "I'm done, I am fucking sick of taking care of you, you offer nothing in return and I'm drained and I can't handle it anymore" and leave. It's not that I actively think he'll do this, or expect it to happen, but I still worry. Because I feel in my heart that it's true - that he has to take care of me and that there's a huge lack of balance in this relationship and eventually it'll destroy him, and us.

I don't know. It's not always so bad in my head. I know there's more to me than my physical capabilities or my ability to bring in steadier income. I know I offer more than that. But when I'm so overwhelmed by pain that I can't even eat? Yeah it's not easy to remember. It's not easy to convince myself that I'm worth a damn.

"There is no sense in punishing your future for the mistakes of your past. Forgive yourself, grow from it, and then let it go."

Hard to find a balance there, apparently. I see plenty of people roll their eyes and gripe that they shouldn't be held accountable for their past because, hey, it's in the past. But that only works if you paid attention to the "grow from it" part... because it's not all that "in the past" if you're still making the same mistakes and hurting those around you in the same ways.

Yes if you've grown and changed and become a better person and some one is STILL bringing up shit you did ten years ago, call them out on that BS and tell them it's high time to let it go... or (because as I've ranted about before no one is owed forgiveness) tell them it's probably time to get out of each other's lives if they can't move on from who you used to be.

But don't sit there and shrug everything in the past off until you've actually grown and learned from it. You keep ignoring who you used to be and the lessons to be learned, you'll never become anything more.

And on the flip side, if you OVER-focus on things you fucked up on in the past (I do this sometimes) you'll become so consumed by it that, hey, same result... you can't grow and learn and be happy. So yeah. Acknowledge the mistakes, learn from them, but don't dwell on them to the point of useless self-punishment and stagnation.

Yay balance.

[I haven't talked much about it due to the massive amounts of shame and self-loathing that's come with it... but several months ago life went to shit and I wasn't able to maintain good self-care and my hair became traumatically tangled and matted, from the bottom to root... considering my hair was down to my thighs this was a HUGE problem. I wasn't able to fix it, I was terrified and ashamed and I felt awful. I didn't know if there was any hope or if I'd just have to shave it all off and start over... it broke my heart. I needed something about me to be fixable, SOMETHING, especially my hair... the one thing about myself physically that I prided in, the one thing I had so much control over. Luckily one of my best friends has a puzzle-solving mindset, massive patience and availability, and was willing to work on it every week for months... without her I would have lost my hair. I'm still filled with shame over the whole ordeal but I've learned a lot of patience from it, and it brought me closer to my friend... give me a while away from this mentally and I'll be able to comfortably say I don't regret that it happened because the good outweighed the bad]

Okay with the backstory covered...

My hair is, for all intents and purposes, done.

It's weird, it's... it's amazing right now. It's brushed out, soft, looks like it was never even tangled much less matted beyond recognition. Yet I'm still anxious and expecting to wake up with it all matted up again... I'm brushing it obsessively and I braid it before bed to ensure this doesn't happen, but I'm still worried.

I haven't posted any pictures. I still need to dye it... I'm afraid to ask for help with that for some reason... the shame is still there, maybe that's it? Like anyone who is going to dye my hair is going to be able to tell how bad it got and I'll cry and it'll be this whole huge emotional vulnerability thing. I don't know. I might just do it myself.

Maybe it just hasn't completely sunk in yet that it's fixed. It's done. Sparrow's amazing patience and diligence paid off, it's incredible. I have no idea how I'll ever repay her. God knows I wouldn't have been able to do this on my own... maybe that's part of the current anxiety, I don't know. Now that it's done and I'm back to regular maintenance by myself I'm worried about a "relapse"... that because I got myself into this mess I'm clearly not able to be trusted.

Logically this is ridiculous. It was a perfect storm of circumstances out of my control that led to this happening in the first place, circumstances I REALLY don't see ever happening again (and if everything DOES go as tits up as it did then, I'll be far more careful)... I'm in a good place now, taking care of my hair will be easy. I'm not as sick as I was, I'm in a stable home environment, etc.

Still...

I need to relax and let myself just kind of get used to it all over again. It's been finished for a grand total of two days, it's okay that I haven't really fully accepted it yet.

I have my hair back. I have it. It's mine. I feel like a timid Sampson, granted power back but not trusting that I won't lose it again the second I take it for granted. Is that what's bothering me? I think I'll not appreciate what I have so I'll lose it again? Because that's 1000% not how that works, if I'm seeing this from some sort of fucked up universal karmic justice sort of viewpoint. Even if the universe had some sort of say in this, I doubt it gives any shits whatsoever about how much I appreciate my fucking hair. The universe would have far better things to concern itself with.

I think I'll feel a bit more... "right" as soon as the roots are dyed. I'll feel a bit more right when a lover's fingers run through my hair and touch my scalp. I'll feel a bit more right the more and more I brush it and it doesn't hurt. I'll feel a bit more right the more I have it down and feel it touching my skin. All those little things will add up and soon all the dread and shame will be gone, left as nothing but an echo of something I used to be.

It was a process to fix it, it's going to be a process to accept that it's fixed. It felt weird to tell my therapist yesterday that I felt... so far... weird. Just "weird" was all I could say. She asked if I was excited, if it had boosted my self esteem. And the answer was no... I mean, not yet. Yes there's SOME excitement, there's SOME regained confidence but it's not all there yet. I'm holding back a lot of it. Like I'll get excited or confident and immediately shove it down with "not yet, we're not there yet, listen to your fear instead".

The mind is a frustrating thing. Self-awareness of this only gets you so far. But the more I'm open about it... willing to talk about it... the more I'll be able to crawl my way back to what I used to be before this all happened. Wait, actually... fuck that. I'll not crawl my way back to shit. I'll march my way to something better, stronger, wiser, and more powerful than I could ever have hoped to be before. This situation, the last few months, sucked... but goddammit I'll take it into me and use it to be stronger and better. I've done it for far worse things... just because this wound is still pretty fresh and aching does not mean it won't become a pretty kickin' badass part of me. Soon.

"They're not the same person I married", "You're not the person I met a year ago", "I don't even know you anymore".

Yup.

In therapy recently we were discussing marriage/relationships and the struggles therein. She said something that's kind of stuck with me pretty hard. She made a good point, which I'll try to repeat and elaborate on here.

You're a different person than you were six months ago, and very different from a year ago, and hardly recognizable after five. Depending on what happens to you in those times, you could be that unrecognizable person at just six months. And with that in mind... fuck, no wonder relationships are hard. No wonder marriages and friendships fall apart.

The more I've spent thinking about this, the more it's helped. It's weirdly comforting, actually. Sometimes things fail, sometimes you lose that deep connection you used to have with some one... and sometimes it's not that either of you are at fault. It's just that you're literally two different people now, and while the people you used to be worked out very well, the people you are now... not so much. There just isn't that connection anymore.

I could probably look at this as something depressing. Kind of a "so what's the point? everyone I love, everyone I connect with, we both eventually change and drift apart" thing...

But I see it as the opposite. Now that I can see this clearly... I'll be okay. EITHER WAY, I "lose" that person I knew six months/a year/five years ago. THEY ARE ALREADY GONE. And either this new person is some one things will work out well with, or they aren't.

I'm seeing this as something good. It's an opportunity to get to know my friend/lover/partner all over again. It's an opportunity to find a way to connect with them, to strengthen the connection we started out with.

There are times it's not gonna be possible. Like I said... marriages fail, relationships fail, friendships fail. Even when people keep in mind that the person they're trying to connect to is different, changed, grown... EVEN keeping all of this in mind is no guarantee. Sometimes the differences and changes are negative, or they're just so deeply incompatible that there's no coming back from that. The connection might be severed, it could be years before the people the two of you become could connect again and possibly not ever.

But even if I lose these "new" people along the line... I still had that connection when it was possible. I still loved them, unquestionably. Their growth is not something I'll find myself bitter towards. Sad? Sure, nostalgia and wishful thinking aren't going to suddenly go away. Some of the connections I've made with people were very, very hard to lose. But I'm a different person, as are they - as we are NOW... it wouldn't be the same. But you know what? I had that connection at some point, and it made me a better person. I hope it was a positive for them too.

I don't know. It's something I'm going to keep in mind. If anything it'll help me maintain the relationships I have now - to never assume the person I'm interacting with is the same person I interacted with a year ago. To never expect them to stay stagnant for my own comfort and need for that familiar connection. The relationship has to constantly grow and change with us, or it'll die.

Trying to figure out how much of my discomfort/anxiety right now is... okay, "valid" isn't the word. Relevant, perhaps? Urgent, currently necessary? Basically I'm trying to pinpoint how much of this is stuff from the past creeping up on my mind and how much of it is just worrying about future bullshit "maybe"s, and the actual relevant stuff... ie, the present. Things that actually ARE happening. Stuff that's not me dwelling on nightmares from years ago, stuff that's not me making up the worst case scenarios for later. Stuff I can actually do something about, take action. It's not that I'll shove all the past stuff down and ignore it... that just means I'm not dealing with it and growing. But there's a massive difference in facing/learning from the past and dwelling on it and letting it control me. And the future stuff? Pretty much all of that can fuck right off. I can be prepared for the worst without expecting it and fearing it, I can keep consequences in mind without being too afraid of them to take action. Balance. All about balance.

I think I need to let myself be just a little more chaotic, a little more spontaneous. Obviously that's easier said than done physically and financially... and maybe that's why I'm drawn to chaotic and unstable people. Not romantically really, though I do find a certain level of "free spirit" appealing... it's more just the type I find fascinating and magnetic. I want to soak them in, be around them, be wrapped up in their adventures. Which is fine to a degree... but it's easy to get enthralled and pretty soon I'm thrown into some one else's chaos and I'm drained and have no idea how I got there.

Maybe if I let go of some of my own control issues, my constant need for stability and perfection... then I can embrace a bit of the unknown, the unstable, the chaotic... under my own terms, seeking out what I want and need... then maybe I won't end up drowning in a chaotic person's life and drama.

It sucks. These people I find myself drawn to are good people, but... it's hard to be safe. Usually I luck out and their chaotic ways end up just naturally leading them away from me. Either they move away or they just grow bored with their surroundings and dance away, off to new things, new things I'm not included in. Part of this is their appeal to me. The freedom they seem to grab and claim despite their own shortcomings and limitations... am I drawn to them out of jealousy? Am I selfishly clinging to these people to live vicariously through them?

They usually tend to be artists. They usually tend to be extroverts. They attend these parties or events that I find myself wishing I had the courage to embrace. They're emotionally unstable, unpredictable. When they see you, truly see you, they make you feel amazing. And again this is pretty much never a romantic or sexual thing with me... and that's fine (though I'd be lying if I said I'd never accidentally fallen for some one like this)... but I admire so much about them. Things that, ultimately, will burn them and leave them hurting. Things I wish I could do, or be, but I know it'd break me eventually.

These people rarely have stable... anything. Mentally and emotionally they are... wild. They are fire. Yes fire can be used safely, it can be healing and powerful and wonderful. But goddamn is it dangerous if you don't know what you're doing. I do my best to keep my distance, just close enough to enjoy it without getting burned. Because trust me, they burn people. They hurt those who get too close. I don't know if they care, in the long run. Well... they do. But their freedom, their chaos, is far more important than others. Stable relationships are rare. They're emotionally nomadic, staying in the lives of people around them until they get antsy, and they run.

I don't want to be them. But I need to start questioning why I'm so drawn to them. I love stability. I'm afraid and uncomfortable and I lash out when I don't know what's coming. I can read people and situations I'm in, have a good idea of where things are going, I can expect what's coming. And I do love that. I do. But... there's no room for chaos in there. There's no room for me to stare ahead and think "I have no idea what's coming - and I don't want to. I'm okay with that. I embrace it".... because when those situations DO happen, I freak out a bit. I find stability and cling hard to it, and it often means shutting myself off to... everything... the most important of those things I pull away from is growth. Can't grow if I refuse to embrace anything.

So yeah. Something to consider for myself. Chaos can be beautiful, it can be used in a good way, it doesn't have to be this wild dangerous thing that I wistfully stare at from a distance. I can find my own spontaneity. I can embrace my own wild side. Will it be the same as theirs? Maybe, maybe not. But I think I can find a balance between the stable and the unstable without breaking. I can find room for adventure in a life that is otherwise comfortably predictable.