Useless Ramblings

I got a little bit of VA back-pay when they upped my disability from 20% to 50%. And they're (ideally) not done - that was JUST for the depression, the hips and legs are still being processed.

Anyway, this led to me wanting to do something big for Will. For YEARS my finances and health have kept me from treating him as often as I wanted to. Same with Paul, but I have a delay with him due to distance.

Will started seeing a gal long distance, Regan. She lives in Colorado. She and I have been FB friends for a while and she and Will connected after that, and then they fell in love.

So to surprise Will for a late Christmas gift, Regan and I worked out a schedule and I bought her a plane ticket. She arrived Friday night, the 28th, and I got her a Lyft straight to Panoptikon.

Will had NO idea. I'd hid it well, and Regan kept the secret despite her excitement. I told Will I had a present on its way but that, alas, it'd arrive AFTER Christmas. Then once we got to Pan I had my eye on the Lyft map. We barely beat her there. I asked a friend (Diana/Solli) at Pan to keep Will talking and his back to the door, which she nailed (despite me not explaining AT ALL why I was asking XD)

When Regan arrived, I told Will I had to step outside to make a phone call. I met her in the parking lot for excited hugs. Then we went inside and, well. This video SHOULD be public enough that even those without FB accounts can see it.

It was a fantastic night. Will cried. Regan got along with our friends, they danced, I got a pic of them.




She wasn't able to stay with us long, due to her job. We got her until the afternoon of the 31st. But even those couple of days were awesome. We chilled at home on Saturday. She loved the cats and even got skittish little Shayera to let her get some pettin's in. We saw Spider-Man on Sunday with friends.

Will has thanked me like 100 times XD I even asked, after he dropped her off at the airport, if I'd gone too far, if it wasn't my place and if I'd thrust this BIG HUGE THING at him without talking to him. He insisted it was the greatest thing anyone had ever done for him, and that we're at such a healthy place in polyamory and our marriage that his wife would happily spend the time and effort and money to surprise him with his girlfriend made him beyond happy.

So we're starting 2019 on a really good note, I think. ^_^

I'm not particularly attached to my last name. No family pride or desire to pass on the name to any potential children (they can have Will's name, I really don't care about that part). But at the same time... it is mine. While theoretically there's nothing holding me back if I want to change my last name when I get married... just... I don't know. It's a part of me, of my identity. Theoretically I could just add his name. Make "Bussell" a second middle name so that I'm not giving anything up, just adding. His last name would be easier to pronounce and I could still sign "Bussell" on my art accurately.

I don't know. It's not that I think changing my name would make me panic and run away from all of this. It's not that I think he's "taking over" anything, that I'd somehow be less of a person in my own right, but... I don't know. IF I take his name, I like the idea of it just being in PART. It'd look stupid hyphenated, and I don't even need the rest of the world to know that I still kept my birth name. This is more about me and my identity.

Will doesn't give a shit either way, he's made sure I know that. And I do. I've never once felt pressured to take his last name.

I don't know, I have some time to make this decision. My therapist pointed out that I often compare my levels of fear to levels of potential gain and make a decision from there, and she worried that I was letting my fear outweigh the gain. But I pointed out to her... WHAT GAIN? There's no real gain. I don't need to change my name to show commitment to my marriage, after all.

I lean more and more towards just keeping my name as-is. But my whole life I assumed I'd change my name to my husband's, and got used to the idea. Now that it's actually a possibility... well that's almost 30 years of attitude adjustment I've got to work through.