Useless Ramblings

This is my last week of physical therapy. I have a check-up on Friday to sort of test my progress but I'll probably ask for a range of motion test sometime this week with the folks in the physical therapy section of things, since the doctor might not do that. I know a couple of weeks ago they said it was already improving. And the pain has lessened immensely, while my upper back has gotten a lot stronger (which has done wonders for my posture as well)

I've learned so much. How to use muscles correctly, how to properly stretch and work them, even some tips on how to handle my hips' scar tissue pain (which, since it was unrelated to the accident, they didn't need to do for me but wanted to)

I might ask them on Friday to check my insurance, see if I can be covered to come back at LEAST once a month just to keep learning, keep growing, keep shaping myself like a sculpture. I can see a difference in the mirror. I can feel the difference, and not just physically. There's a change in my demeanor, and I'm not the only one noticing it. I'm more confident, I'm less stressed. I mean, I'm still stressed, but... it's not nearly so bad.

Skipping two appointments last week to spend some time in Houston with the boyfriend may not look smart from the outside, but that was necessary too. I needed a change of scenery, and a few days of nothing but peace and a lack of worry. I didn't have my scanner and wacom pen within eyesight, mocking me daily. I didn't have unfinished work looming over my head. Boyfriend happily paid for things this time around (whereas I normally grab the check before he can get to it when we go out to eat)

There was a noticeable difference when I got home. Less tense, less angry, less... everything negative. I'm still tired. Well, that might not be related to much of anything, I started shark week like the DAY I left Houston. So this last week of PT I'm playing in hard mode. ;)

Will bought me some simple headphones so I'm bringing the ipad with me to PT to listen to music while I do the cardio part in the beginning. I know myself... get the right music going and I will work up a sweat and have my heartrate right where they want it in no time xD

Maybe once I get some better income I can get a bathing suit that fits and come back to try their aquatic exercises too, to get more of the legs and hips moving.

I don't know. This whole experience may have started out shitty. I mean, who WANTS a car accident? But... it's changing how I look at myself. How I look at my body. Slowly I'm beginning to see my body as mine a little better. It's become such a separate entity in my mind that I was beginning to blame it, hate it, see it as an enemy. I always referred to my body and pain as something I was fighting all the time. Which worked for coping for a while, but... I need to work on not doing it as much. Because it's part of me, and something I need to relearn how to love and work on instead of hating and fighting.

I'm already excited for October. On the 1st is my anniversary, also the second-to-last PT appointment, and Will and I have reservations to a lovely restaurant in Denton. I wish to hell I had some spending money so I could grab a nice dress at a thrift store for the occasion. It's not a huge anniversary or anything, but it's been a while since he and I really celebrated it beyond a small gift or card or something.

<3 A lot of crappy stuff has gone down this month. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is usually bullshit, but this time... this time it's been true.

So, I'll be frank. I wouldn't be crippled right now, ten years after the fact, if it wasn't for physical therapy utterly ruining me. Yes there were other factors, but physical therapy blatantly ignoring where my pain ACTUALLY was and "treating" an injury that wasn't there tore my muscles to shreds and has left me a pain-ridden useless blob covered hip to feet in muscle scar tissue.

Tomorrow I start physical therapy for something else entirely... my neck, upper back, and shoulders. These pains from the car wreck have been keeping me from drawing, chores, basically anything with the upper body. Considering I'm already fucked out of my LOWER body... well let's say I'm stressed.

And fucking terrified.

I've had nightmares about this place for ten years. Terrified of talking about it, like saying it out loud would be some kind of bloody mary/beetlejuice bullshit and suddenly they'll magically find paperwork that they messed up and they'll force me to go back and I'll be stuck there forever, breaking more and more every day as they force physical punishments I can't endure, "therapy" that makes it worse, etc. It's illogical but that's pretty much what ptsd does to you, folks. This was a traumatic 6 months that's not left me for 10 years.

So even though the therapists I'm meeting tomorrow are civilians, in a really good facility with good reviews, and for an area of my body that ISN'T the crippled part... I'm still scared. Terrified. Worried. It might not make sense, logically. I'm arguing with myself so much. But it's there. I'm scared that they'll have no empathy, no kindness. I'm scared they'll ignore me and force me to do things that harm me permanently. I'm scared... I'm scared to lose the biggest thing I have left. Art.

I predict that none of this will be happen. These next four weeks of therapy will make my neck/back/shoulders stronger than ever. I'll be confident and I'll grow from it so much. I'll be back to drawing in no time.

But it doesn't erase the terror. It doesn't make it so I can name the place that broke me, because I still fear the name.

... It's okay that I'm scared. Fear doesn't make me weak. But tomorrow afternoon that fear won't stop me. I'll walk into that office and I'll meet who I'm working with and we'll fight this new pain together and it will be an entirely different experience. I'll be wiser from my old experience... if they turn out to be assholes, I'll leave. Cancel my appointments. Find another office... because I can. I'm allowed to do that.

I control the next four weeks. I'm not trapped. I'm not forced. I'm not threatened and abused and mocked and alone.

I'm terrified, but that's not going to stop me. I can't lose art too. I can't. But even if I did, I'll find something else. I'll survive, and thrive, no matter what the world throws at me. That place... the one that tried to destroy me from the inside out. I'm not there anymore. They can't hurt me. I don't ever need to go back.

I'll win this.

It's been a quiet weekend. I spent a lot of it gaming. Stayed up late last night. Will got in late and was chatty so I didn't get to sleep until maybe 3-ish. The cat woke me up at 5 for snuggles. Woke up again at 9 for pills. Went back to bed and stayed until 11 or so. Got up, made myself some coffee (which I've been yoinking from Will, haven't gotten new coffee for myself yet)

I started on the comic while watching Netflix. When Will got up he took control of the TV to game for a while, which was fine. He was playing SWTOR and so long as I have a story going on the TV that I can half-focus on while working I don't get stressed.

Then at some point in the late afternoon/early evening I fucked up my back so fucking backly. I don't know what happened, really. I was sitting on the couch, I reached for something, and something just... twisted. Sharp crackling pain, intense and constant. I could barely move. I still can't turn/twist my back... after four different painkillers and hours on a heating pad I'm able to breathe again but I still have to be careful.

If it's still really bad tomorrow I'll see about going to a doctor.

Hopefully sleep tonight comes easy and I don't make it worse. I'll be keeping it easy this week. Soon as I can trust myself to get in and out of a bath without further injury I'll use hot baths too. Or hell just do that starting tomorrow but wait until Will is home so he can help me in and out of the tub.

We'll see how this goes.

Got the comic done despite the pain, though it took way longer than I would have liked. Didn't finish until after midnight. Hopefully the upload got through in time for a Monday update. Fingers crossed.

I'll also keep trying to work on commissions throughout the week. Just have to watch how I move my arms while I draw... got to make sure I don't twist my back too much. Because I did that a few times today and ow.

In other news, watching this new-ish show with Will called "Dark Matter". I like it so far, we got about five or six episodes in today. It's one of those shows I like watching with the thought of "ha, this is a roleplaying group dynamic"... and it really does feel that way. In a good way, mind you. Also totally makes me want to play a game in this kind of setting with the same premise (you wake up from stasis with no memory but a whole lot of dangerous skillsets and your personality in tact, whatever it was)

Oh and there's an episode where Ruby Rose plays an "entertainment android", so... that was enjoyable to watch. Goddamn Ruby Rose... *swoons*

Looks like the record-breaking rain of May is gone, June looks pretty dry here so far.

I started a new commission special on Facebook and I'm kicking ass at it so far. I've stayed up stupid late working more than once. I have a feeling it's the new meds... it's kicking apathy out the door and letting my passion for work fire back up again. I'm hoping it stays this way.

So... I'm going good. Had one weird random crying spell a few days ago out of nowhere but otherwise I've not noticed too many weird stuff with the new meds.

Okay, back to work. Then therapy this afternoon, then party tonight. :)

Have a VA appointment tuesday that I probably need to reschedule because I started shark week in the middle of dinner last night. I've been MISERABLE all day. Sick, in pain, exhausted, cranky, sad, everything. It's been awful. Couldn't go out at all, can barely keep food down, couldn't go to a party tonight.

With the pain, menstrual cramps are harsh enough to pull at the surrounding muscles... meaning my hips get even crankier than usual. AND it might rain in the next couple of days so THAT'S not helping.

BUT. Yeah. Tuesday's appointment was in Dallas at the OBGYN for a pelvic exam. I don't know EXACTLY what they're needing to do so I'll call Monday for the details. Because if it involves a pap smear, then, well... the blood will fuck it up. It's... doable? But not overly recommended. Ugh. It took a while to get this appointment so waiting even longer will be irritating.

We'll see what happens.

On the bright side, that means no painful and awkward pelvic exam at that godawful hospital on the morning of my birthday. :P I can sleep in or something instead. Cool. OR still go if it turns out me being on my period is a non-issue for this exam (it's a pre-exam thing for the IUD, they might just be poking the cervix with a stick or something for all I know)

So, yeah. Been a frustrating day for all I was aware of it.

Luckily I have my birthday dinner balloons from last night and Dianakitty has been entertaining the HELL out of me all day with them. She is freaked out by balloons but wants to play with the balloon strings. So she bites on them, tries to run away with them, the balloon obviously follows along, it will catch up and bump her on the butt and she'll freak out and try to run away with the string still in her mouth. Rinse, repeat. (And no worries, I'm watching her to make sure she doesn't EAT the string)

Interesting day. Got up early and dragged my feet out the door to head towards the Dallas VA hospital for a 9am appointment. Ideally it's about an hour's drive, took twice that long. The line to get into the parking lot was so long and slow that I gave up and exited the car while STILL ON THE STREET in order to go into the hospital while Roq found parking (which took him a half hour, I was already in my appointment by the time he parked)

Appointment was uncomfortable. It was a pelvic ultrasound, the kind you need to have a full bladder for and BOY DID I.

Then after this ultrasound she goes "okay now go ahead and use the bathroom then come back for the transvaginal part"

Um

Um

No one told me about this

I had NO prep for this. Ideally there's really no prep involved and this would have just been a vaguely unpleasant surprise. But my hips up in stirrups? If I'd known that was coming I would have taken pain killers and stretched the hips first thing in the morning to be ready. I did none of this. By the time I was done (it took less than 10 minutes) I was miserable and cranky.

But the VA called a few minutes ago, my doc already looked over the results (apparently they found a cyst - clearly it's not too big of a deal, I didn't even notice it causing any issues) and she's putting me in for the IUD consult soon. So I'll have one more exam before they schedule the insertion. With how the VA moves I'll hopefully have this stupid thing finally in me by April or May.

Fingers crossed.

Anyway, after the VA we went back to town and stopped by the post office. I picked up the package I missed yesterday, which cheered me up considerably... because I GOT A LAPTOP ADAPTER!!! FINALLY!!! I ordered this like a month ago! I HAVE MY WORK LAPTOP BACK! Eeee!

We then grabbed foods and came home and I've been just drained and exhausted ever since.

Hopefully energy picks up enough for me to get some art done tonight at least. Even if it's just some for-fun art. I've missed it so much.

Catching up on TV right now.

Tomorrow is another appointment but not until later in the afternoon. This means I can rest and do art all day. Score. :)

Oh god, my arms are sore. I didn't realize how much my arms move while I draw - so I'm taking a SECOND day off in a row from drawing. Ergh. Glad I'm ahead of schedule on the commissions I wanted to finish within the week, so I don't feel as bad, but I still feel awkward taking so much time off. I can't let myself backslide into a depression so deep I can't do art. I want to keep up the financial comfort, I want to keep up the productivity.

Hopefully tomorrow my arms will feel better, I'll do some drawing that day and Sunday.

The arm soreness takes me back, though. The last tetanus shot, 10 years ago in April, was done right before BCT. That and nine other shots at the same time. Then the next day, with 10 shots worth of arm soreness, we did SO MANY PUSH-UPS! That was a hell of a day (shark attack, day 1 is a rough one - all the stereotypes of screaming DS's is, that day, 100% true... they calm down after that but they want to break you quickly. Mentally I did fine since I spent a YEAR getting into the military and had time to toughen up, physically I was exhausted though)

It's bringing back these memories and the mixed feelings with it. I actually LOVED Basic. The friends I had, the training, the discipline, the fitness, the routine, going to the range... I fucking loved it. PTRP was the PTSD-ridden nightmare fuel, but Basic? Basic I loved. I felt like I was becoming a whole new person, a person I could be proud of, a person I could depend on. I had been so broken and meek and terrified before - I was wrapped up in a bad situation and the Army healed me. I mean sure, they broke me too, but that's only physically. Mentally I became unstoppable. Yes, even with the trauma and nightmares I still have years later, I'm still stronger than I was beforehand.

With the 10 year mark coming up, this will probably be on my mind a lot.

That's a nope on going out socializing tonight. It's still mostly just sniffles/drainage and a mild sore throat, but... that's enough. That's enough that a night out with alcohol and people might make it worse. Sooo... safer to just stay in. Maybe nap, have a nice hot bath, drink some tea, take more medicine. Focus on getting better. Yes I'm feeling a tiny bit socially starved but we have a game night coming up Friday that'll sate some of that.

Tomorrow if I'm feeling even better I'll do some cleaning, get the house at least vaguely presentable for company on Friday.

But tonight? Tonight I rest and focus on getting back to 100%. And also pop some Midol because now that I'm feeling better in one area my uterus decided it needed to be the center of attention again. Ow. :P

On the health front, by the way... it is so, so easy for me to forget how young I am. With pain levels the way they are... I don't know, it's not that I literally think I'm over 50/60 but it's easy to feel TIRED. It's easy to forget that my body hasn't aged 30 years overnight.

So when I look at the fact that SMALL diet changes suddenly shifted my cholesterol and sodium levels in normal ranges... when I see that I actually have a strong immune system... when I see that I quickly bounce back and recover from some things... I don't know, it's a pleasant wake-up call every time. I AM STILL YOUNG. I am still strong and vibrant. Hell in some ways more so than some people my age because my body has faced more and fought more. It's been through hell and fire and war with itself and come out the other side still able to fight.

I'm still young. I'm not as weak as I constantly convince myself I am. My body is still able to fight and I'm not done yet. My body is strong, I'm still a warrior in a lot of ways. I'm not done yet. Not for a long, long while.

Family dinner/time was relatively painless. We hung out, quoted stupid movies, laughed, ordered some Chinese food (curry, mmm) and watched silly videos on YouTube. Hips are cranky over the second floor apartment but we're home now and I'm on a comfortable couch.

Tomorrow will be odd. Got an appointment with the VA to discuss both pain management and the test results from the bloodwork last week (to find out if I have diabetes)... oddly I've not really had the time to focus on feeling nervous. That's been a small blessing. I mostly just feel... I don't know, numbly impatient? I think I've had too many "leads" of possible physical ailments to explain away all my problems and then had them not pan out. Diabetes could just be yet another "oh man if you have this it explains SO MUCH and treating it will help you immensely" wild goose chase. So more than anything I just want to know, yes or no, and go from there. I want the answer but I'm not feeling hope or dread either way.

Roommate has an appointment at the same time and is driving. So he'll just drop me off at the clinic really early and I'll bring a book or something. After the appointment my dad might be in the area so he can just pick me up and bring me home (he needs to head to my place anyway to pick up Sibling+SiblingRoommatePerson to take them to the airport), I just need to remember to call him after my appointment. I don't know, we'll see.

After that I'll go home to a far more empty house. Maybe get a bit of work done. See my friend that night and go out for a movie at a place that serves drinks. It seems like that's a good idea for both of us.

Wednesday is therapy and hopefully seeing friends that night. Thursday... no idea there, maybe get some stuff done around the house and spend some quiet time with Will (something we've been lacking this week with company around and also something I'd like to have as much of as possible throughout August).... Friday, nothing yet. Saturday, I think some things - I need to check my calendar.

Sometime this week I want to start on my August List. Things I want to do this month to keep myself occupied. And even start on my September list too, or at least a set schedule.

The idea of busyness brings some calm. So long as I don't overdo it and burn myself out I think it'll be really good.