shinga | Entries tagged with poly

I got a little bit of VA back-pay when they upped my disability from 20% to 50%. And they're (ideally) not done - that was JUST for the depression, the hips and legs are still being processed.

Anyway, this led to me wanting to do something big for Will. For YEARS my finances and health have kept me from treating him as often as I wanted to. Same with Paul, but I have a delay with him due to distance.

Will started seeing a gal long distance, Regan. She lives in Colorado. She and I have been FB friends for a while and she and Will connected after that, and then they fell in love.

So to surprise Will for a late Christmas gift, Regan and I worked out a schedule and I bought her a plane ticket. She arrived Friday night, the 28th, and I got her a Lyft straight to Panoptikon.

Will had NO idea. I'd hid it well, and Regan kept the secret despite her excitement. I told Will I had a present on its way but that, alas, it'd arrive AFTER Christmas. Then once we got to Pan I had my eye on the Lyft map. We barely beat her there. I asked a friend (Diana/Solli) at Pan to keep Will talking and his back to the door, which she nailed (despite me not explaining AT ALL why I was asking XD)

When Regan arrived, I told Will I had to step outside to make a phone call. I met her in the parking lot for excited hugs. Then we went inside and, well. This video SHOULD be public enough that even those without FB accounts can see it.

It was a fantastic night. Will cried. Regan got along with our friends, they danced, I got a pic of them.

She wasn't able to stay with us long, due to her job. We got her until the afternoon of the 31st. But even those couple of days were awesome. We chilled at home on Saturday. She loved the cats and even got skittish little Shayera to let her get some pettin's in. We saw Spider-Man on Sunday with friends.

Will has thanked me like 100 times XD I even asked, after he dropped her off at the airport, if I'd gone too far, if it wasn't my place and if I'd thrust this BIG HUGE THING at him without talking to him. He insisted it was the greatest thing anyone had ever done for him, and that we're at such a healthy place in polyamory and our marriage that his wife would happily spend the time and effort and money to surprise him with his girlfriend made him beyond happy.

So we're starting 2019 on a really good note, I think. ^_^

This is my last week of physical therapy. I have a check-up on Friday to sort of test my progress but I'll probably ask for a range of motion test sometime this week with the folks in the physical therapy section of things, since the doctor might not do that. I know a couple of weeks ago they said it was already improving. And the pain has lessened immensely, while my upper back has gotten a lot stronger (which has done wonders for my posture as well)

I've learned so much. How to use muscles correctly, how to properly stretch and work them, even some tips on how to handle my hips' scar tissue pain (which, since it was unrelated to the accident, they didn't need to do for me but wanted to)

I might ask them on Friday to check my insurance, see if I can be covered to come back at LEAST once a month just to keep learning, keep growing, keep shaping myself like a sculpture. I can see a difference in the mirror. I can feel the difference, and not just physically. There's a change in my demeanor, and I'm not the only one noticing it. I'm more confident, I'm less stressed. I mean, I'm still stressed, but... it's not nearly so bad.

Skipping two appointments last week to spend some time in Houston with the boyfriend may not look smart from the outside, but that was necessary too. I needed a change of scenery, and a few days of nothing but peace and a lack of worry. I didn't have my scanner and wacom pen within eyesight, mocking me daily. I didn't have unfinished work looming over my head. Boyfriend happily paid for things this time around (whereas I normally grab the check before he can get to it when we go out to eat)

There was a noticeable difference when I got home. Less tense, less angry, less... everything negative. I'm still tired. Well, that might not be related to much of anything, I started shark week like the DAY I left Houston. So this last week of PT I'm playing in hard mode. ;)

Will bought me some simple headphones so I'm bringing the ipad with me to PT to listen to music while I do the cardio part in the beginning. I know myself... get the right music going and I will work up a sweat and have my heartrate right where they want it in no time xD

Maybe once I get some better income I can get a bathing suit that fits and come back to try their aquatic exercises too, to get more of the legs and hips moving.

I don't know. This whole experience may have started out shitty. I mean, who WANTS a car accident? But... it's changing how I look at myself. How I look at my body. Slowly I'm beginning to see my body as mine a little better. It's become such a separate entity in my mind that I was beginning to blame it, hate it, see it as an enemy. I always referred to my body and pain as something I was fighting all the time. Which worked for coping for a while, but... I need to work on not doing it as much. Because it's part of me, and something I need to relearn how to love and work on instead of hating and fighting.

I'm already excited for October. On the 1st is my anniversary, also the second-to-last PT appointment, and Will and I have reservations to a lovely restaurant in Denton. I wish to hell I had some spending money so I could grab a nice dress at a thrift store for the occasion. It's not a huge anniversary or anything, but it's been a while since he and I really celebrated it beyond a small gift or card or something.

<3 A lot of crappy stuff has gone down this month. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is usually bullshit, but this time... this time it's been true.

Current Mood: hopeful

Tomorrow Will has car stuff to do - inspection and oil change. Then we'll hit some thrift stores because my weight loss is at a point where I can no longer ignore my need for new clothes that fit. Then a trip to the grocery store for lunches this week. Then hopefully swinging by the vet to pick up Dianakitty's food as well (she has some dry food at the house but needs the healthy stuff too)

Tuesday is left blank, and I figure that'll be the day I refocus on commission work. One of the hardest things to do when depression is rough is draw... but it needs to be done, and setting goals is good. I WILL manage, and I've asked Will to help me keep on track.

Wednesday is more work, and also going to try to set apart at least a couple of hours each day this week for chores. So much stuff I'm behind on and the house needs to be whipped into shape.

Thursday is an early morning to go get blood drawn and pee in a cup. Therapy that afternoon, I should write down everything I need to catch her up on - SO MUCH, OMFG.

Friday Will leaves to go LARPing and I set a massage appointment up for myself. Paul was able to help with my back problems while I was in Houston but I need to keep up taking care of that area before I screw it up again. Friday night I might head to a friends' place for karaoke and chilling out.

Saturday is Valentine's and I have no plans - not sure I really want any, either. Paul's not in town, Will's off LARPing. Same deal as last year. So I might just do a repeat of last year... chill out at home. Treat myself to tasty food. Take a bath. Watch fun things on TV, or play video games. Just give myself a fun date night without needing either of the boys' help. I'll miss them both, yes, but romance with them can happen later.

Next week will be much of the same. Commission work, chores/whipping the house into shape, self-care. I also have my actual VA appointment (whereas this week is just labs)... so much to discuss. Permanent-ish birth control options, pain management options, anxiety stuff, inflammation issues.

The biggest issue I'm worried about these next two weeks is headspace and motivation. I know I'm going to be depressed, I know I'm going to be feeling very negative and apathetic. Forcing and fighting my way out of that kind of mental place is... not easy. And I'll be asking certain people to help me, people who understand what works with me and what does the trick.

I'll be okay. I'll keep myself busy, productive. I'll give myself goals. I'll be awesome.

Current Mood: calm

I'm so deeply stupidly in love with both of them and it's sometimes overwhelming but in the best possible way.

Current Mood: loved

Ah, NRE.

I hate NRE.

To be specific, I hate what NRE does. By itself, as an idea, it's not inherently evil. It's fun, even.

IN MODERATION.

But here's how I see NRE: just a giant shiny excuse to completely ignore the other people in your life, even going as far as hurting those people, and huffing about how NRE is just your excuse and everyone just has to wait it out while you have your fun.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Yes this is specific to poly... but if you have a partner, maybe try not being a fucking negligent dick every time you find a new set of genitalia to play with. Maybe slow the fuck down and be careful in your new relationships instead of moving so fucking fast that your partners feel like you're going to leave. Maybe try actually spending some time with your partner without constantly talking about and turning every conversation to the subject of your New Shiny.

When I talk about my loathing of NRE, other poly people get huffy and pouty. Apparently I'm a bitter jealous bitch who doesn't understand the sparkly happy shiny joy of new experiences. Fuck that shit, I have NRE. Here's the difference... I have some level of fucking respect for the people around me, both the ones I'm with and the ones they're with.

Because balance here is not some magical unattainable thing. NRE to the extent of nearly ruining your standing relationships is not "inevitable" and it damn sure shouldn't be a requirement. No, you can't say it's "not true love" if I can actually keep my head on straight and respect other people in the midst of a new relationship. I'm not a fucking child. Relationships, romantic and otherwise, are maintained through mutual respect and work. Running off to frolic in the meadows with your New Shiny every time you decide you're just ~so in love~ and leaving your other partners sitting around with their thumbs up their asses waiting until you get bored enough to focus on them is childish and selfish and really fucking shitty.

I've nearly lost a strong relationship because of their NRE with some one else. Every conversation was about them, they compared me to the other girl, they mentioned them moving in within a couple of months, they were saying "I love you" with no hesitation after barely being together. And I was the one treated as the irrational jealous one, because NRE "should" be allowed to run wild.

I do not agree.

You're not single. Remember that, you aren't single. Hell even if you were, being THAT obsessive with your NRE is going to annoy your friends who you're probably ignoring in favor of whatever new set of genitalia you're playing with. So if you're consistently ruining or even "just" harming* your relationships and then throwing a fit because that should be allowed? Sorry, but in my opinion... you suck at poly. Poly is about having and maintaining multiple relationships. Not getting with some one who just has to be comfortable being put on a back burner every single time some one new catches your eye.

So, yeah. In conclusion... fuck NRE. Have your excitement, have your shiny newness, enjoy it. But stop having it take over every aspect of your life and then getting offended or upset when people tell you that's not cool.

*Sorry, just because your partner stays with you despite your behavior, doesn't mean the behavior is no big deal. My relationship wasn't ruined by NRE but it was damn sure harmed by it. It's still healing and it's been quite a while since this was a direct problem.

Will's been letting me take his antispasmodic pills for my cramps and holy shit it's amazing. Works SO fast and pretty much elimates the cramps all together. Which, duh... makes sense. MUSCLE SPASMS. CRAMPS. SAME THING.

Started period this morning, clearly. Woke up to a snuggly purring kitty. I pet her for a bit then felt that all-too-familiar cramp... the cramp that's clearly not a pre-period cramp. LOVELY.

So I'll take some of those pills with me when we go to lunch with the family. And take plenty for the trip. I should probably only cramp through the weekend and lighten up a lot by Sunday or so. Which is good, I'd hate to be heavy and cramping while I'm with the boyfriendpet next week. :)

So excited for this trip.

Dyeing my hair right now. Once I wash it out I'll finish up packing. If I manage it before lunch I'll attend a friends-thanksgiving thing after family stuff. If I DON'T finish I'll stay home tonight.

*excited bounce*

And Will's girlfriend will be going with us to TRF, too. So it's gonna be a fun weekend, and he has some one in the car with him when he goes home Sunday. He CAN drive by himself but he gets bored so it's best for him to have company. :)

I might be taking on some new commission work next week to keep me busy in Houston. I love being able to work from my laptop! ^_^

I swear once I finally start my period (and so long as cramps aren't destroying my will to live) I'm SO much more chipper than I am while in the middle of PMS death. xD

Recently I was talking to some one about my poly situation and mentioned something about how I dislike hearing any specifics/details about my partners' sexual experiences. They then kind of nodded and said, "Oh so it's like a Don't Ask Don't Tell thing?"

What?! No!

For one, I don't really see open "DADT" relationships as poly. If your partner is allowed to fuck others that you don't know about at all, that's just called an open relationship and a rather strained one at that (usually this arrangement is for people who are so uncomfortable with non-monogamy that they only agree to let their partner have sex with others in order keep them around... as in "Well if I allow him to do this, he won't leave me" - not healthy). I've heard stories of this dynamic working... me? I'm not a fan.

For seconds, what the fuck?! I know enough! I know who my partners are dating, I know who my partners are sleeping with, approval is given depending on our dynamic, everything is discussed and open and honest. What about that screams "DADT"?

I've talked to poly people who seem baffled by my insistence that what two (or more) people do in a bedroom is their own damn business. When my fiance is off with his girlfriend, what they do is for them, it's not for me! It's none of my business. I know when he's with her, I know they have sex, I knew the day they became official, I knew the day they said "I love you", I know the important milestones, I know everything I need to know. I don't need anything beyond that. You know why? I'm not them. They deserve that privacy.

Yet there are some who seem to think that counts as dishonesty or even distrust in my partner. Like if I was "truly poly" I'd want to know exactly how many orgasms happened over the course of a weekend and what positions were used and if toys were involved. What the fuck? NO! No no no NO!

I'd be furious if I knew one of my partners was sharing information about our sex lives with some one they were dating. Unless I have consented to them sharing specific things, and the other person wants to hear it, that is not for sharing. Those moments are private and intimate and ours. And my partners' other partners have that same right to intimacy and privacy that I do. There's no primary or secondary things to consider here either, this is an equal thing.

If I ever want details, I will ask for them. But I am not suddenly "not poly enough" if I don't want the details. Because even when my partners and their partners have offered it freely, I've rejected this information. I won't lie, some of the reason is insecurity. Especially when things have cooled sexually between me and that person. But also I just want them to keep some things just between them, because it's theirs.

So hell no I am not in a "DADT" relationship, nor would I ever be. And no I've not suddenly become "not true poly" just because I think some things need to be intimate between partners and not shared.

Why the hell is this so difficult to grasp?

Dinner with dad and Jenn last night went really well. We even managed chatting about politics and social issues without it being an issue. We even talked about Will and I's poly relationship (which they're both supportive over - they find it odd, but they know we're very much in love and happy) and the moral differences between poly and cheating. We drank, we cussed, we laughed, we watched some Tim Minchin, we had a tasty dinner. It was just a really good night all around.

Today is our Pathfinder game. I'm in a lot of pain, we've got another cold front coming in next week. Something is pinched in the left hip, the whole leg is somewhat numb but also hurting? Ugh.

Tomorrow we're hoping to catch Big Hero 6. I also need to do the comic tomorrow but I'll have time.

So far my Busy November is going really well.

Current Mood: chipper

Current Mood: giggly

A Rant Against The Polyamorous Elitists

"You can’t search for acceptance from the public at large for your alternative relationships and simultaneously attempt to prevent them from experiencing those alternatives for themselves and discover what works for them. That’d be like telling someone how great Nevermind is but then refusing to let them listen to it for fear that they will like it for reasons that are different from yours."

*giggle* Polyamory + fandom =

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shinga

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