Levels of openness/honesty
Nov. 20th, 2014 08:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shingaRecently I was talking to some one about my poly situation and mentioned something about how I dislike hearing any specifics/details about my partners' sexual experiences. They then kind of nodded and said, "Oh so it's like a Don't Ask Don't Tell thing?"
What?! No!
For one, I don't really see open "DADT" relationships as poly. If your partner is allowed to fuck others that you don't know about at all, that's just called an open relationship and a rather strained one at that (usually this arrangement is for people who are so uncomfortable with non-monogamy that they only agree to let their partner have sex with others in order keep them around... as in "Well if I allow him to do this, he won't leave me" - not healthy). I've heard stories of this dynamic working... me? I'm not a fan.
For seconds, what the fuck?! I know enough! I know who my partners are dating, I know who my partners are sleeping with, approval is given depending on our dynamic, everything is discussed and open and honest. What about that screams "DADT"?
I've talked to poly people who seem baffled by my insistence that what two (or more) people do in a bedroom is their own damn business. When my fiance is off with his girlfriend, what they do is for them, it's not for me! It's none of my business. I know when he's with her, I know they have sex, I knew the day they became official, I knew the day they said "I love you", I know the important milestones, I know everything I need to know. I don't need anything beyond that. You know why? I'm not them. They deserve that privacy.
Yet there are some who seem to think that counts as dishonesty or even distrust in my partner. Like if I was "truly poly" I'd want to know exactly how many orgasms happened over the course of a weekend and what positions were used and if toys were involved. What the fuck? NO! No no no NO!
I'd be furious if I knew one of my partners was sharing information about our sex lives with some one they were dating. Unless I have consented to them sharing specific things, and the other person wants to hear it, that is not for sharing. Those moments are private and intimate and ours. And my partners' other partners have that same right to intimacy and privacy that I do. There's no primary or secondary things to consider here either, this is an equal thing.
If I ever want details, I will ask for them. But I am not suddenly "not poly enough" if I don't want the details. Because even when my partners and their partners have offered it freely, I've rejected this information. I won't lie, some of the reason is insecurity. Especially when things have cooled sexually between me and that person. But also I just want them to keep some things just between them, because it's theirs.
So hell no I am not in a "DADT" relationship, nor would I ever be. And no I've not suddenly become "not true poly" just because I think some things need to be intimate between partners and not shared.
Why the hell is this so difficult to grasp?
What?! No!
For one, I don't really see open "DADT" relationships as poly. If your partner is allowed to fuck others that you don't know about at all, that's just called an open relationship and a rather strained one at that (usually this arrangement is for people who are so uncomfortable with non-monogamy that they only agree to let their partner have sex with others in order keep them around... as in "Well if I allow him to do this, he won't leave me" - not healthy). I've heard stories of this dynamic working... me? I'm not a fan.
For seconds, what the fuck?! I know enough! I know who my partners are dating, I know who my partners are sleeping with, approval is given depending on our dynamic, everything is discussed and open and honest. What about that screams "DADT"?
I've talked to poly people who seem baffled by my insistence that what two (or more) people do in a bedroom is their own damn business. When my fiance is off with his girlfriend, what they do is for them, it's not for me! It's none of my business. I know when he's with her, I know they have sex, I knew the day they became official, I knew the day they said "I love you", I know the important milestones, I know everything I need to know. I don't need anything beyond that. You know why? I'm not them. They deserve that privacy.
Yet there are some who seem to think that counts as dishonesty or even distrust in my partner. Like if I was "truly poly" I'd want to know exactly how many orgasms happened over the course of a weekend and what positions were used and if toys were involved. What the fuck? NO! No no no NO!
I'd be furious if I knew one of my partners was sharing information about our sex lives with some one they were dating. Unless I have consented to them sharing specific things, and the other person wants to hear it, that is not for sharing. Those moments are private and intimate and ours. And my partners' other partners have that same right to intimacy and privacy that I do. There's no primary or secondary things to consider here either, this is an equal thing.
If I ever want details, I will ask for them. But I am not suddenly "not poly enough" if I don't want the details. Because even when my partners and their partners have offered it freely, I've rejected this information. I won't lie, some of the reason is insecurity. Especially when things have cooled sexually between me and that person. But also I just want them to keep some things just between them, because it's theirs.
So hell no I am not in a "DADT" relationship, nor would I ever be. And no I've not suddenly become "not true poly" just because I think some things need to be intimate between partners and not shared.
Why the hell is this so difficult to grasp?