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shingaI think I need to let myself be just a little more chaotic, a little more spontaneous. Obviously that's easier said than done physically and financially... and maybe that's why I'm drawn to chaotic and unstable people. Not romantically really, though I do find a certain level of "free spirit" appealing... it's more just the type I find fascinating and magnetic. I want to soak them in, be around them, be wrapped up in their adventures. Which is fine to a degree... but it's easy to get enthralled and pretty soon I'm thrown into some one else's chaos and I'm drained and have no idea how I got there.
Maybe if I let go of some of my own control issues, my constant need for stability and perfection... then I can embrace a bit of the unknown, the unstable, the chaotic... under my own terms, seeking out what I want and need... then maybe I won't end up drowning in a chaotic person's life and drama.
It sucks. These people I find myself drawn to are good people, but... it's hard to be safe. Usually I luck out and their chaotic ways end up just naturally leading them away from me. Either they move away or they just grow bored with their surroundings and dance away, off to new things, new things I'm not included in. Part of this is their appeal to me. The freedom they seem to grab and claim despite their own shortcomings and limitations... am I drawn to them out of jealousy? Am I selfishly clinging to these people to live vicariously through them?
They usually tend to be artists. They usually tend to be extroverts. They attend these parties or events that I find myself wishing I had the courage to embrace. They're emotionally unstable, unpredictable. When they see you, truly see you, they make you feel amazing. And again this is pretty much never a romantic or sexual thing with me... and that's fine (though I'd be lying if I said I'd never accidentally fallen for some one like this)... but I admire so much about them. Things that, ultimately, will burn them and leave them hurting. Things I wish I could do, or be, but I know it'd break me eventually.
These people rarely have stable... anything. Mentally and emotionally they are... wild. They are fire. Yes fire can be used safely, it can be healing and powerful and wonderful. But goddamn is it dangerous if you don't know what you're doing. I do my best to keep my distance, just close enough to enjoy it without getting burned. Because trust me, they burn people. They hurt those who get too close. I don't know if they care, in the long run. Well... they do. But their freedom, their chaos, is far more important than others. Stable relationships are rare. They're emotionally nomadic, staying in the lives of people around them until they get antsy, and they run.
I don't want to be them. But I need to start questioning why I'm so drawn to them. I love stability. I'm afraid and uncomfortable and I lash out when I don't know what's coming. I can read people and situations I'm in, have a good idea of where things are going, I can expect what's coming. And I do love that. I do. But... there's no room for chaos in there. There's no room for me to stare ahead and think "I have no idea what's coming - and I don't want to. I'm okay with that. I embrace it".... because when those situations DO happen, I freak out a bit. I find stability and cling hard to it, and it often means shutting myself off to... everything... the most important of those things I pull away from is growth. Can't grow if I refuse to embrace anything.
So yeah. Something to consider for myself. Chaos can be beautiful, it can be used in a good way, it doesn't have to be this wild dangerous thing that I wistfully stare at from a distance. I can find my own spontaneity. I can embrace my own wild side. Will it be the same as theirs? Maybe, maybe not. But I think I can find a balance between the stable and the unstable without breaking. I can find room for adventure in a life that is otherwise comfortably predictable.
Maybe if I let go of some of my own control issues, my constant need for stability and perfection... then I can embrace a bit of the unknown, the unstable, the chaotic... under my own terms, seeking out what I want and need... then maybe I won't end up drowning in a chaotic person's life and drama.
It sucks. These people I find myself drawn to are good people, but... it's hard to be safe. Usually I luck out and their chaotic ways end up just naturally leading them away from me. Either they move away or they just grow bored with their surroundings and dance away, off to new things, new things I'm not included in. Part of this is their appeal to me. The freedom they seem to grab and claim despite their own shortcomings and limitations... am I drawn to them out of jealousy? Am I selfishly clinging to these people to live vicariously through them?
They usually tend to be artists. They usually tend to be extroverts. They attend these parties or events that I find myself wishing I had the courage to embrace. They're emotionally unstable, unpredictable. When they see you, truly see you, they make you feel amazing. And again this is pretty much never a romantic or sexual thing with me... and that's fine (though I'd be lying if I said I'd never accidentally fallen for some one like this)... but I admire so much about them. Things that, ultimately, will burn them and leave them hurting. Things I wish I could do, or be, but I know it'd break me eventually.
These people rarely have stable... anything. Mentally and emotionally they are... wild. They are fire. Yes fire can be used safely, it can be healing and powerful and wonderful. But goddamn is it dangerous if you don't know what you're doing. I do my best to keep my distance, just close enough to enjoy it without getting burned. Because trust me, they burn people. They hurt those who get too close. I don't know if they care, in the long run. Well... they do. But their freedom, their chaos, is far more important than others. Stable relationships are rare. They're emotionally nomadic, staying in the lives of people around them until they get antsy, and they run.
I don't want to be them. But I need to start questioning why I'm so drawn to them. I love stability. I'm afraid and uncomfortable and I lash out when I don't know what's coming. I can read people and situations I'm in, have a good idea of where things are going, I can expect what's coming. And I do love that. I do. But... there's no room for chaos in there. There's no room for me to stare ahead and think "I have no idea what's coming - and I don't want to. I'm okay with that. I embrace it".... because when those situations DO happen, I freak out a bit. I find stability and cling hard to it, and it often means shutting myself off to... everything... the most important of those things I pull away from is growth. Can't grow if I refuse to embrace anything.
So yeah. Something to consider for myself. Chaos can be beautiful, it can be used in a good way, it doesn't have to be this wild dangerous thing that I wistfully stare at from a distance. I can find my own spontaneity. I can embrace my own wild side. Will it be the same as theirs? Maybe, maybe not. But I think I can find a balance between the stable and the unstable without breaking. I can find room for adventure in a life that is otherwise comfortably predictable.
