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Jul. 31st, 2014 01:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shingaAugust starts tomorrow. To say that I'm nervous is... a slight understatement, but only slight. I've pinpointed SOME of the sources of the anxiety spikes in the last week or so (surprise, surprise - it's control issues!)
I need to sit down and make a big ol' to-do list for August and schedule goals by the week. If I just take this one week at a time in goal-terms, and one day at a time in routine terms, I can hopefully stave off as much September-related anxiety as possible.
*sigh*
One of the most frustrating things about my control issues is trying to find that balance... because dammit I LIKE being in control, I don't see that as a flaw. But it becomes a flaw when anything OUT of my control sort of just breaks something very vital in my brain. And I do mean rather big stuff, at least... I'm not going to freak out every time some one else is planning an outing, or some one else makes a decision... unless that decision is something I disagree with or affects me negatively I really don't give a shit. I LIKE other people having their own control too, and having input. It's... it's big life stuff. Stuff I'm not sure I'll control as well as I hope I can.
I've come to rely on the level of control I have in my environment. When that environment has a big change... it's not that I consciously think "I can't do this, I can't handle it", but I'm pretty sure it's where the anxiety comes in. I logically and reasonably KNOW I CAN FUCKING HANDLE IT. With grace, with ease, with as much "fuck you world I got this shit" attitude as I take on just about every shit-pile that's ever been thrown at my head. And yet... always, ALWAYS, in the back of my stupid head... what if I don't this time?
... And what IF I don't? Will people leave me, realize I'm weak and not want anything to do with me? Will I lose everything I've worked for in my life, suddenly end up in the streets because I didn't handle ONE bit of change very well? Yes these are extreme things - but therapist recommended going super ridiculous with things sometimes just to point out to my Floating Anxiety Buddy* how fucking ridiculous its being.
So... I have a lot to work on in the next month. Get work done. Things around the house, financial-type work. Work harder in therapy on NOT actively avoiding working hard in therapy... actually try to pinpoint some of this bullshit and work on it for once. September is a big looming scary thing and I can kick its ass.
(*
Found on Tumblr... apparently this gal's therapist recommended she view her anxiety as a separate being, a little panicky friend that follows her around freaking out about everything. It apparently made it FAR easier for her to 1. separate the anxiety from her own reasonable worries and not see it as inevitable, and 2. calm the little guy the hell down. I tried it once and it was decently successful, actually. Seems silly, but... if it works, yay!)
I need to sit down and make a big ol' to-do list for August and schedule goals by the week. If I just take this one week at a time in goal-terms, and one day at a time in routine terms, I can hopefully stave off as much September-related anxiety as possible.
*sigh*
One of the most frustrating things about my control issues is trying to find that balance... because dammit I LIKE being in control, I don't see that as a flaw. But it becomes a flaw when anything OUT of my control sort of just breaks something very vital in my brain. And I do mean rather big stuff, at least... I'm not going to freak out every time some one else is planning an outing, or some one else makes a decision... unless that decision is something I disagree with or affects me negatively I really don't give a shit. I LIKE other people having their own control too, and having input. It's... it's big life stuff. Stuff I'm not sure I'll control as well as I hope I can.
I've come to rely on the level of control I have in my environment. When that environment has a big change... it's not that I consciously think "I can't do this, I can't handle it", but I'm pretty sure it's where the anxiety comes in. I logically and reasonably KNOW I CAN FUCKING HANDLE IT. With grace, with ease, with as much "fuck you world I got this shit" attitude as I take on just about every shit-pile that's ever been thrown at my head. And yet... always, ALWAYS, in the back of my stupid head... what if I don't this time?
... And what IF I don't? Will people leave me, realize I'm weak and not want anything to do with me? Will I lose everything I've worked for in my life, suddenly end up in the streets because I didn't handle ONE bit of change very well? Yes these are extreme things - but therapist recommended going super ridiculous with things sometimes just to point out to my Floating Anxiety Buddy* how fucking ridiculous its being.
So... I have a lot to work on in the next month. Get work done. Things around the house, financial-type work. Work harder in therapy on NOT actively avoiding working hard in therapy... actually try to pinpoint some of this bullshit and work on it for once. September is a big looming scary thing and I can kick its ass.
(*
Found on Tumblr... apparently this gal's therapist recommended she view her anxiety as a separate being, a little panicky friend that follows her around freaking out about everything. It apparently made it FAR easier for her to 1. separate the anxiety from her own reasonable worries and not see it as inevitable, and 2. calm the little guy the hell down. I tried it once and it was decently successful, actually. Seems silly, but... if it works, yay!)
