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Nov. 17th, 2014 09:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shingaI'm slowly evaluating my emotions right now.
So last week a thing happened that upset me. I've talked it out with one of the people involved but not the other. No maliciousness was involved, but I was still hurt. Hurt, angry, upset, and sad.
But these emotions are so much easier to handle when they're directed at something or some one.
Right now... I don't really have that.
I sometimes crave more irrationality. I have JUST enough to feel the more wild and untamed emotional responses to things, but not enough to direct them at some one. Instead I feel the emotions, and say "Well it's not really that person's fault, they didn't mean to hurt me, it was an innocent act on their part, they just made a mistake"... especially if the person has already apologized and started to make amends.
So now I have all these feelings and nowhere to really direct them at. I think at this point most people would just go ahead and let themselves feel the anger at the people involved, but... I don't want to do that. It'd be easier, probably. But it wouldn't really... help. Yes I still need to keep the lines of communication open and work through it, but... I need to cool off and NOT turn this into anger and attacks and accusations. It only makes it worse and pretty soon there's WAY more hurt involved than there needs to be.
Right now I just need to figure out what to do with directionless negativity. Mostly... I just need to find ways to burn it off. Music, maybe. Socializing or quiet time. Baths. Meditation. Art. Writing. Just... embrace the anger and hurt and pain and let it burn itself out like a controlled fire, rather than trying and failing to snuff it out too soon and watch it slowly burn way too much around me.
I think this sounds like the best option. I don't know. It sounds good to me, right now... but it could also be me in my desperation for control grasping at this situation like a drowning man for a lifeboat. I'm lacking in control in my life right now and it's driving me a bit nutty and, yes, that tends to sometimes manifest a little stronger when I'm emotional. I get angrier with myself because I can't control my emotions and I end up just shoving them down and not addressing the problem.
I'm working on it. So far I'm doing better this time than I normally do.
We'll see.
Ugh, growing and maturing is a pain the ass.
So last week a thing happened that upset me. I've talked it out with one of the people involved but not the other. No maliciousness was involved, but I was still hurt. Hurt, angry, upset, and sad.
But these emotions are so much easier to handle when they're directed at something or some one.
Right now... I don't really have that.
I sometimes crave more irrationality. I have JUST enough to feel the more wild and untamed emotional responses to things, but not enough to direct them at some one. Instead I feel the emotions, and say "Well it's not really that person's fault, they didn't mean to hurt me, it was an innocent act on their part, they just made a mistake"... especially if the person has already apologized and started to make amends.
So now I have all these feelings and nowhere to really direct them at. I think at this point most people would just go ahead and let themselves feel the anger at the people involved, but... I don't want to do that. It'd be easier, probably. But it wouldn't really... help. Yes I still need to keep the lines of communication open and work through it, but... I need to cool off and NOT turn this into anger and attacks and accusations. It only makes it worse and pretty soon there's WAY more hurt involved than there needs to be.
Right now I just need to figure out what to do with directionless negativity. Mostly... I just need to find ways to burn it off. Music, maybe. Socializing or quiet time. Baths. Meditation. Art. Writing. Just... embrace the anger and hurt and pain and let it burn itself out like a controlled fire, rather than trying and failing to snuff it out too soon and watch it slowly burn way too much around me.
I think this sounds like the best option. I don't know. It sounds good to me, right now... but it could also be me in my desperation for control grasping at this situation like a drowning man for a lifeboat. I'm lacking in control in my life right now and it's driving me a bit nutty and, yes, that tends to sometimes manifest a little stronger when I'm emotional. I get angrier with myself because I can't control my emotions and I end up just shoving them down and not addressing the problem.
I'm working on it. So far I'm doing better this time than I normally do.
We'll see.
Ugh, growing and maturing is a pain the ass.