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I play with fire... I take a last look back, we’re starting to attack, I burn like fire
I don't do "anger" very often. It's a powerful thing, though.
I hold back with people, a lot. It sort of ties into perfectionist bullshit ("I need to say this thing perfectly with no chance of being misunderstood or upsetting the person") but also the active avoidance of negative confrontation. Hell even positive confrontation I'm not good at. My communication has VASTLY improved over the last few years but there are some really weird hurdles in there. I swear sometimes I need a few drinks just to compliment some one. Why do I need courage for that? Stupid brain.
Anyway, anger is a violent thing. I like to be a positive influence in the world. Make people laugh, smile, feel better about themselves or the world, etc. I'll fight things that are wrong and sure that might make some one grumpy but if it's ultimately for a positive reason I still count it.
Anger... anger kind of erases all of that. Well no, not erases. Just... pushes aside. It takes over and screams and drowns out everything else.
Like I said, this is rare. VERY rare. Not even once a year rare. I can get annoyed, frustrated, snippy, cranky, all sorts of things, but ANGER? Flat out RAGE? No. All those other emotions can be felt quietly, and in sync with other emotions. Rage takes over, rage kicks everything else to the curb and takes the wheel.
But... sometimes that's not all bad. Sometimes anger is the thing that finally tips you over the edge and forces you to take action for something you've been avoiding. Sometimes it blinds you so much that you forget to feel nervous or cautious or concerned about the feelings of the wrong people. It shoves you into the situation, hands you a sword and says "attack"... and it's the only voice you hear, and you do it.
For this reason I'm glad it's rare. But for this reason I'm also glad I'm capable of feeling it at least sometimes. I have a very very very long fuse. This one situation has been months in the making and today I finally got angry. I finally let rage take control for just long enough to face the problem directly and shout it down until it was finished.
It might have been messy - that's the problem with rageful confrontation. I might not have been as clear as I would have been if I hadn't been all "berserker".
But when the fire died down and I stopped shaking I took a breath and reread the conversation. I was surprisingly quick, cold, and direct. I was clear. I left no room for misinterpretation or discussion, I said what I needed to say and I stopped. So... that's good, at least.
Let's hope this is done. But if it isn't... let's hope this ONE dance with rage is enough to fuel me through any more hard discussions.
I hold back with people, a lot. It sort of ties into perfectionist bullshit ("I need to say this thing perfectly with no chance of being misunderstood or upsetting the person") but also the active avoidance of negative confrontation. Hell even positive confrontation I'm not good at. My communication has VASTLY improved over the last few years but there are some really weird hurdles in there. I swear sometimes I need a few drinks just to compliment some one. Why do I need courage for that? Stupid brain.
Anyway, anger is a violent thing. I like to be a positive influence in the world. Make people laugh, smile, feel better about themselves or the world, etc. I'll fight things that are wrong and sure that might make some one grumpy but if it's ultimately for a positive reason I still count it.
Anger... anger kind of erases all of that. Well no, not erases. Just... pushes aside. It takes over and screams and drowns out everything else.
Like I said, this is rare. VERY rare. Not even once a year rare. I can get annoyed, frustrated, snippy, cranky, all sorts of things, but ANGER? Flat out RAGE? No. All those other emotions can be felt quietly, and in sync with other emotions. Rage takes over, rage kicks everything else to the curb and takes the wheel.
But... sometimes that's not all bad. Sometimes anger is the thing that finally tips you over the edge and forces you to take action for something you've been avoiding. Sometimes it blinds you so much that you forget to feel nervous or cautious or concerned about the feelings of the wrong people. It shoves you into the situation, hands you a sword and says "attack"... and it's the only voice you hear, and you do it.
For this reason I'm glad it's rare. But for this reason I'm also glad I'm capable of feeling it at least sometimes. I have a very very very long fuse. This one situation has been months in the making and today I finally got angry. I finally let rage take control for just long enough to face the problem directly and shout it down until it was finished.
It might have been messy - that's the problem with rageful confrontation. I might not have been as clear as I would have been if I hadn't been all "berserker".
But when the fire died down and I stopped shaking I took a breath and reread the conversation. I was surprisingly quick, cold, and direct. I was clear. I left no room for misinterpretation or discussion, I said what I needed to say and I stopped. So... that's good, at least.
Let's hope this is done. But if it isn't... let's hope this ONE dance with rage is enough to fuel me through any more hard discussions.
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