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Jan. 30th, 2012 02:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shingaI'm hormonal.
Fighting off a cold for over a week now.
Not the greatest combo.
I don't know. Part of me wants to hiss at the world and curl up on the couch alone for a week. The other part of me wants to have company over. Preferable female-friend company. The type whose shoulder I can cry on, the type that doesn't mind eating bad-for-us food with me, maybe drink some wine, and watching crappy movies. Some one I can vent to who might understand where my crazy hormonal mindset comes from. Some one I can laugh with when I'm done crying.
But it's not always easy to come right out and beg a friend to drop everything and spend an evening way down here in Denton. And it's not easy to know when I'm ready to open up, either. I'm afraid to most of the time. Too often in my past I've had trouble with female friends using my weaknesses against me later on. And the women I have in my life now are amazing... I trust them completely and don't think they'd do that at all, but there's still that fear however irrational it is.
I don't know. I've been thinking a lot. 2012, new year... things already seem to be changing just a little. I'm trying to live a bit healthier. Physically and mentally both... I want closer friendships, especially with women. I want to start cutting back on my more negative friendships. I like to look at the silver linings, the bright side of things, the good in people, the hope in situations... I'm not unrealistic. If something sucks, it sucks. But not everything and everyone in the entirety of everything is terrible and the people with that mindset exhaust me. And I'm getting to wondering... why do I bother? Why do I sit around and let some one bitch and bitch until I feel like there's no happiness in anything? What's the point?
I want to be around positive people and friendships. I want to smile more and be more open with my friends and it's not really worth it to try that with perpetually negative people. And of course anyone who is negative will read this and try to justify themselves to me... I know the arguments, I've used them when I'm at my worst. I'm not innocent of being a downer. But I'm trying. I'm trying to see the good where there's good to be seen and stop focusing on nothing but the bad. I'm going to have sad days and weak moments, no doubts there. But I'm going to try not to make everyone around me as miserable as I am. Try not to take my issues out on others. I'll fail at this sometimes... and I hope I'm self-aware enough to apologize and make it right.
Just thinking a lot lately. I've been a bit of a homebody this month, only leaving when I've made a promise to (or my "required" socializing... yeah I make myself be around people at LEAST once a week. I know if I don't do at least that, I go stir-crazy and no one wants that)... it may be a cliche but life really is short. I don't want to be miserable if I don't have to be.
To those in my life who make me smile... I love you. And I'm glad to have you. You're part of the reason I've grown enough to stop convincing myself that I'm not worth friendship or loyalty. To smile so often and so genuinely. To really fight to keep the people I love in my life, and to let them know what they mean to me.
I don't trust easily. If I went back in time even five years and told myself what a strong support system I'd have now, what close and strong and trustworthy female friends (and mentors, even) I would have... well I was pretty negative back then. I'd probably kick some rocks and mumble about how impossible it was blah blah blah... past me would probably try to make present me as pouty as she was. And I'd shrug, smile, and return to my own time. Because I don't need that shit now. :)
Fighting off a cold for over a week now.
Not the greatest combo.
I don't know. Part of me wants to hiss at the world and curl up on the couch alone for a week. The other part of me wants to have company over. Preferable female-friend company. The type whose shoulder I can cry on, the type that doesn't mind eating bad-for-us food with me, maybe drink some wine, and watching crappy movies. Some one I can vent to who might understand where my crazy hormonal mindset comes from. Some one I can laugh with when I'm done crying.
But it's not always easy to come right out and beg a friend to drop everything and spend an evening way down here in Denton. And it's not easy to know when I'm ready to open up, either. I'm afraid to most of the time. Too often in my past I've had trouble with female friends using my weaknesses against me later on. And the women I have in my life now are amazing... I trust them completely and don't think they'd do that at all, but there's still that fear however irrational it is.
I don't know. I've been thinking a lot. 2012, new year... things already seem to be changing just a little. I'm trying to live a bit healthier. Physically and mentally both... I want closer friendships, especially with women. I want to start cutting back on my more negative friendships. I like to look at the silver linings, the bright side of things, the good in people, the hope in situations... I'm not unrealistic. If something sucks, it sucks. But not everything and everyone in the entirety of everything is terrible and the people with that mindset exhaust me. And I'm getting to wondering... why do I bother? Why do I sit around and let some one bitch and bitch until I feel like there's no happiness in anything? What's the point?
I want to be around positive people and friendships. I want to smile more and be more open with my friends and it's not really worth it to try that with perpetually negative people. And of course anyone who is negative will read this and try to justify themselves to me... I know the arguments, I've used them when I'm at my worst. I'm not innocent of being a downer. But I'm trying. I'm trying to see the good where there's good to be seen and stop focusing on nothing but the bad. I'm going to have sad days and weak moments, no doubts there. But I'm going to try not to make everyone around me as miserable as I am. Try not to take my issues out on others. I'll fail at this sometimes... and I hope I'm self-aware enough to apologize and make it right.
Just thinking a lot lately. I've been a bit of a homebody this month, only leaving when I've made a promise to (or my "required" socializing... yeah I make myself be around people at LEAST once a week. I know if I don't do at least that, I go stir-crazy and no one wants that)... it may be a cliche but life really is short. I don't want to be miserable if I don't have to be.
To those in my life who make me smile... I love you. And I'm glad to have you. You're part of the reason I've grown enough to stop convincing myself that I'm not worth friendship or loyalty. To smile so often and so genuinely. To really fight to keep the people I love in my life, and to let them know what they mean to me.
I don't trust easily. If I went back in time even five years and told myself what a strong support system I'd have now, what close and strong and trustworthy female friends (and mentors, even) I would have... well I was pretty negative back then. I'd probably kick some rocks and mumble about how impossible it was blah blah blah... past me would probably try to make present me as pouty as she was. And I'd shrug, smile, and return to my own time. Because I don't need that shit now. :)