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Group ended. We'll probably have another group start up in a few weeks but today was still really upsetting for all of us. Also brought up a lot of anxiety, more than I expected. Didn't help that I told them (and thus reminded myself) of the fact that I filed for more disability and how incredibly stressful the next few months will be and how scared I am. I have individual therapy next week where I'll talk more about the extreme fears and paranoia this comes with... also the anger and hate. Should be fun.
Then on the way home I heard the "YAY ABUSE :(" song from Rihanna and Eminem on like... three different stations. Don't get me wrong, it's a good song, but it hits close to home and it really didn't do anything good for my already riled nerves.
Home now. Planning on a quietish weekend. Not sure if I want to go out tonight. I might need a distraction, but... I mean, Will's not going, so I'd have to find another ride and all that. And battling with anxiety while at a club where your only weapon is booze seems, on some level, unwise. But there are also friends, so... I dunno. It could be a good idea, or a very bad idea. I'll decide later how I'm feeling.
Will got off of work early so he got home very shortly after I did. A loving hug and kiss helped a good deal for the mood. Didn't, like, cure it... but it's nice to have some one there, even if he's about to leave for the weekend. <3
Brain is running at a thousand miles an hour. Fearing the past and the future, specifically fearing what the past can still do to me and how often and cruelly the future is about to force all of that back. I need to do it, I just don't want to.
Worse is that I'm afraid to spill the entire truth, the entire list of fears and anxieties, because of the greatest fear... trust. Trust that who I'm telling isn't judging me, either to be faking or to be weak and pathetic. I'm so afraid and I'm really tired of it. I have a feeling this will take up a LOT of time next week.
Then on the way home I heard the "YAY ABUSE :(" song from Rihanna and Eminem on like... three different stations. Don't get me wrong, it's a good song, but it hits close to home and it really didn't do anything good for my already riled nerves.
Home now. Planning on a quietish weekend. Not sure if I want to go out tonight. I might need a distraction, but... I mean, Will's not going, so I'd have to find another ride and all that. And battling with anxiety while at a club where your only weapon is booze seems, on some level, unwise. But there are also friends, so... I dunno. It could be a good idea, or a very bad idea. I'll decide later how I'm feeling.
Will got off of work early so he got home very shortly after I did. A loving hug and kiss helped a good deal for the mood. Didn't, like, cure it... but it's nice to have some one there, even if he's about to leave for the weekend. <3
Brain is running at a thousand miles an hour. Fearing the past and the future, specifically fearing what the past can still do to me and how often and cruelly the future is about to force all of that back. I need to do it, I just don't want to.
Worse is that I'm afraid to spill the entire truth, the entire list of fears and anxieties, because of the greatest fear... trust. Trust that who I'm telling isn't judging me, either to be faking or to be weak and pathetic. I'm so afraid and I'm really tired of it. I have a feeling this will take up a LOT of time next week.
