tuuuurtle

( Adorable bb :D )

(no subject)

I find myself terrified of my future. I see my disability getting worse and wondering if this is as bad as it gets or eventually I'll be unable to walk at all. I worry that no matter how patient, eventually my loved ones will tire of me. They'll tire of the fact that I can't always perform normal tasks like chores and such. Tire of my moods when I'm in a lot of pain. Tire of me needing things like my wheelchair. I worry that eventually I'll be seen as an inconvenience and it will outweigh any love they have for me, or any of the good qualities I have. I worry that those good qualities just won't be enough. I also fear them feeling this way and not telling me, and rather living an unhappy life with me, secretly resenting me.

I've been having a really hard time walking this week. Worse than usual. I look like a feeble old woman when I walk, and have been spending most of my time on the couch struggling to find a comfortable position. Sleep doesn't come easy, I'm moody during the day (also PMSing, and it's definitely going to be another rough Shark Week what with me already cramping)... the pain's been so bad I'm nauseous from it.

I'm easily angry and afraid lately. It's partly the hormones, partly the pain, partly all the men in my life lately confirming all the fears I have about how men think re: looks, weight, etc...

At least the kitties love me no matter what.