(no subject)

I'm torn right now. I want to jump in the shower and enjoy hot wet cleanliness... but it just started storming. So now I want to enjoy the silent indoors while it rages outside but I can't well do that in the shower. Alas! I think I'll stay in the living room and enjoy the rain for a while until I'm bored enough to go wash m'self up.

Also, QUESTION TIME! Yeah that's right. Audience participation, bitches!

For those who use iTunes... or, hell, any musical program or thingy that shows you this info... what are your top 5 listened to songs?

Mine are:

I Monster - Heaven (115 plays)
T.a.T.u and Rammstein - Ein Kleiner Mensch (76 plays)
Disturbed - The Night (67 plays)
...Evanescence - Missing (66 plays)
Abney Park - Airship Pirates (52 plays)

I don't use iTunes much, apparently.

And for fun, my top 5 on last.fm as well


Hungry Lucy – We Won't Go (36 plays)
Zeromancer – Clone Your Lover (29 plays)
K's Choice – Now Is Mine (24 plays)
Lamia – Laudemus Virginem (23 plays)
Aythis – Aythis (22 plays)

Apparently I use last.fm even less.

Anyway, storm's less ragey now so it seems a good time to shower. :)

the storms outside give me calm

I hadn't heard anything from the VA in a while about my claim for more disability. I finally remembered to call them during work hours (this is something that usually occurs to me at, like, 3am... not helpful) and got a hold of some one after a few minutes of terrible hold music. Apparently my claim is just kind of stuck with TONS of others waiting for decisions. A lot of backlog, apparently.

This is frustrating. I'm so tired of going month to month terrified and worried to death about money and basic survival because I'm not fit for what people like to call "real grown-up jobs". I can't drive, I can't stand or walk much, I can't sit comfortable in normal chairs for very long (yeah that means even being in the wheelchair can be uncomfortable, but it's better than the alternative)... it's frustrating as hell.

Considering figuring out some way to get Photoshop on my Mac so I don't have to sit in uncomfortable positions to work. Not to mention this computer's been slightly nicer than my PC lately - not the PC's fault, it's old as hell and I can't afford upgrades for the poor thing.

I feel useless day to day. When I'm in too much pain to even do art, or chores... I feel like a waste of oxygen. I'd feel so much fucking better about myself if I got more in disability every month. Then I could pay the bills without worrying, I could buy my own dinner and drinks, I could offer gas money to the friends kind enough to give me rides all over creation.

Part of me wants to call and get in touch with my doctor to see what the MRI I had back in... what, October?... showed... if anything. I think I'm just scared that, yet again, they won't have found anything. That yet again I'm left without answers or hope.

Believe me though, I am normally pretty upbeat about this. I crack jokes about my disability all the time, I live as full of a life as I can, and I'm happy. But this is exhausting, and sometimes I just need to let the weight of it sink in for a minute.

Bleh.

I get to see friends tonight and relax. I look forward to it. It's amazing to know so many people who have never looked at me differently even once because of my issues, who've (as far as I know) never resented my limitations. And yes the "as far as I know" comment is me speaking out of insecurity and fear... the issues I covered the other day.

Blah blah blah okay done talking now.

(no subject)

( meme yanked from jdack, cause why not )