Insecurities eating at me. It's annoying... with the computer up and running I've been getting back to work and doing a damn good job of it. The house isn't spotless but it's clean and I've been keeping on top of it as much as my body will let me. But I still fight my own mind every single day as it sits back and tells me everything I could be doing better.
I could be bringing in more money. Actually feeding myself more often, paying more bills, taking Will out for dinner for once, paying a friend's drinks for a night out at Pan, offering gas money when I need a ride from some one... but no, I'm barely squeaking by and feel like I'm not contributing anything to my relationship or our home. I fret about rent every month pretty much (there are rare but beautiful exceptions), my bills haven't been paid this month yet (this includes phone and electricity - both fairly vital things) and if I do pay them I won't have enough left over for rent. Or I might, but just barely and only after the VA's disability money comes through (the whole whopping $123... ergh, I shouldn't complain. It DOES help, I just wish my paperwork would go through and I get my percentage increased - I need more than $123 as a base monthly income, you know?)
I dunno, it's dumb. I know I'm cared for and loved for more than my ability to pay for things but I still crave a certain level of independence and pride in my relationships... and between low income and my disability there's not a lot I feel like I can contribute. Don't make much money? Okay, keep a clean home and cook and such more often... except when I can't. It's frustrating - I just want to feel like an equal, you know?
And damn my body, ha... really, hips? Sitting in a computer chair working for 6 hours really puts you in THIS much pain? It's a chair. You're sitting. Standing, walking, running, crawling, all of those make sense, but SITTING can hurt? You are straight up impossible to deal with :P
Sorry for ranting. I get this way a little bit at the end of the month.
I should eat something. But I don't feel right eating for food I don't pay for - it's okay once in a while but ALL THE TIME? Ugh.
Right, sorry. Shutting up now.
(except for a small stupid PSA but I'm sure it's come across people's minds who don't know the situation: yes, I'm broke, and still going to Dragon*Con - I wouldn't be doing any con if money were a factor. I'm being taken there as a giant and very generous gift by a dear friend... and it took a while before I was comfortable accepting it... I still feel a bit weird, heh)
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