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Sep. 13th, 2011 01:17 pmI have two very conflicting voices in my head... one the emotional, one the rational. And the rational one makes way too much sense most of the time, and once in a while I just want to ignore it and let myself be emotional without logic getting in the way. Once in a while I want to react to something without my rational side going "well hang on, wait a minute... relax and give that person the benefit of a doubt... they probably mean well" or something... because the rational side is right pretty much every time and I hate it.
But on the other hand I know my emotional side can be really, really stupid. I flip out inwardly about really ridiculous shit. "I tried to get a kiss and he burped - HE IS OBVIOUSLY SO DISGUSTED BY ME THAT HIS BODY REBELS!" "I've been off my birth control for 6 days, WHY HAVE I NOT LOST 20LBS?!" "My disability is getting progressively worse OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE I LOVE WILL TIRE OF ME AND ABANDON ME AND I WILL DIE ALONE AND COMPLETELY HELPLESS"... actually that last one is harder to rationalize away than most, and it comes up a lot lately.
But yeah, it's frustrating. Sometimes I want to be irrationally angry at some one. Sometimes I want to be in a bad mood with no reason.
... and then on the other hand I don't want to be. I want to be in control of my emotions. I want to be balanced and... I dunno, fuckin' zen or some shit. Trustworthy. Reliable. Not a bomb waiting to go off at the stupidest triggers.
No real reason this is bugging me at the moment. I know it came up in my trying-to-get-to-sleep brain babbling last night but yeah... no real cause.
But on the other hand I know my emotional side can be really, really stupid. I flip out inwardly about really ridiculous shit. "I tried to get a kiss and he burped - HE IS OBVIOUSLY SO DISGUSTED BY ME THAT HIS BODY REBELS!" "I've been off my birth control for 6 days, WHY HAVE I NOT LOST 20LBS?!" "My disability is getting progressively worse OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE I LOVE WILL TIRE OF ME AND ABANDON ME AND I WILL DIE ALONE AND COMPLETELY HELPLESS"... actually that last one is harder to rationalize away than most, and it comes up a lot lately.
But yeah, it's frustrating. Sometimes I want to be irrationally angry at some one. Sometimes I want to be in a bad mood with no reason.
... and then on the other hand I don't want to be. I want to be in control of my emotions. I want to be balanced and... I dunno, fuckin' zen or some shit. Trustworthy. Reliable. Not a bomb waiting to go off at the stupidest triggers.
No real reason this is bugging me at the moment. I know it came up in my trying-to-get-to-sleep brain babbling last night but yeah... no real cause.