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Considered dancey dancey (read: not dancey, just drinking and socializing) time at Panoptikon tonight but I am in so much pain I think it might be best to avoid the cold-ish outdoors and stay warm and comfy on a couch. Plus with a party tomorrow night, wearing myself out by going out tonight as well might not work too well.
Pain is worse this week due to the cold front/rain mix. I can barely remember what even happened at last night's tabletop game... I spent half of it with my head buried in my hands and my fingernails digging into my skull trying to breathe. It wore me the hell out and I slept like the dead that night. Cruel self-hating dreams went on, but they haven't stuck too terribly badly once the daylight washed them away.
I'm just tired in general. I look forward to this party tomorrow, a lot, and worry I'll be a total party-pooper. But I hope to be all right... lots of sitting, probably. Which isn't all that bad. I'm just not always the most colorful of social butterflies when the pain gets like this.
Blergh.
... And those dreams did leave some resounding worries in my head. Worried about how well I handle my friendships, if I'm as good of a friend as I want to be. Do I talk to people enough, see them? If I do, do I fuck up socially as bad as I think I do? Are friends carrying anger and resentment or annoyances with me? Part of me wants to know, part of me is too fragile to hear it if they do. I try to take critique as just that, but the more manic part of me wants to make a mountain out of a molehill every single time. I'm deeply flawed and I know it, I just hope that all the friends in my life that are so incredible to me feel as blessed by our friendships as I do.
Hrm. Now that craziness abides heavily in the mind today I hope I don't get in a lonely self-loathing mood tonight. I should be fine, I plan on watching movies and playing games and going to bed at a decent hour... and most importantly, staying comfortable and healthy and rested and warm.
Might even do a hot bath. Those ALWAYS help a little with the hip pain.
Mmm... hot bath....
Pain is worse this week due to the cold front/rain mix. I can barely remember what even happened at last night's tabletop game... I spent half of it with my head buried in my hands and my fingernails digging into my skull trying to breathe. It wore me the hell out and I slept like the dead that night. Cruel self-hating dreams went on, but they haven't stuck too terribly badly once the daylight washed them away.
I'm just tired in general. I look forward to this party tomorrow, a lot, and worry I'll be a total party-pooper. But I hope to be all right... lots of sitting, probably. Which isn't all that bad. I'm just not always the most colorful of social butterflies when the pain gets like this.
Blergh.
... And those dreams did leave some resounding worries in my head. Worried about how well I handle my friendships, if I'm as good of a friend as I want to be. Do I talk to people enough, see them? If I do, do I fuck up socially as bad as I think I do? Are friends carrying anger and resentment or annoyances with me? Part of me wants to know, part of me is too fragile to hear it if they do. I try to take critique as just that, but the more manic part of me wants to make a mountain out of a molehill every single time. I'm deeply flawed and I know it, I just hope that all the friends in my life that are so incredible to me feel as blessed by our friendships as I do.
Hrm. Now that craziness abides heavily in the mind today I hope I don't get in a lonely self-loathing mood tonight. I should be fine, I plan on watching movies and playing games and going to bed at a decent hour... and most importantly, staying comfortable and healthy and rested and warm.
Might even do a hot bath. Those ALWAYS help a little with the hip pain.
Mmm... hot bath....
