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Nov. 10th, 2013 05:27 pmSo, I want to lose weight. It’s weird, I don’t inherently hate “fat” or anything… just… not on me. I also didn’t like being UNDERweight. I had a weight where I was happy and… I want to go back to that. I’ll never be exactly the same… my skin will be looser, rougher, full of scarring… I’ll never be that type of beautiful anymore.
But still, I have a folder on my computer called “Me Someday Again”… saving old photos of myself. It’s probably not helping. It just makes me sad.
I don’t want to be that AGE again, I just… want that body again. The weight, muscle tone, good skin, no scarring, in less pain with hope that someday I could be “fixed”.
I don’t have any of that anymore.
It’s not easy though. I can’t just… suddenly be beautiful again. I want to lose 80lbs… magically? Dieting and eating healthier get expensive. I can’t exercise while I’m in this much pain.
I feel hopeless, ugly, and unwanted.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again.
I look the mirror and I don’t… feel like it’s me looking back. I feel trapped in something that just isn’t me.
It’s not that I just can’t stand “fat” in general, it’s everything. People far bigger than me look so much better. It’s everything. It’s the lack of control, the complete disconnect from my mind and what I see in the mirror.
I hate it.
I hate this.
And no, this is not about "being attractive" to others. It's not about "but I would bang you, what's the problem?"... it's not magically fixed by an interested penis. This is about my own self-worth... destroyed by far more than just sexual issues. So please, no "I'd hit it" comments.
But still, I have a folder on my computer called “Me Someday Again”… saving old photos of myself. It’s probably not helping. It just makes me sad.
I don’t want to be that AGE again, I just… want that body again. The weight, muscle tone, good skin, no scarring, in less pain with hope that someday I could be “fixed”.
I don’t have any of that anymore.
It’s not easy though. I can’t just… suddenly be beautiful again. I want to lose 80lbs… magically? Dieting and eating healthier get expensive. I can’t exercise while I’m in this much pain.
I feel hopeless, ugly, and unwanted.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again.
I look the mirror and I don’t… feel like it’s me looking back. I feel trapped in something that just isn’t me.
It’s not that I just can’t stand “fat” in general, it’s everything. People far bigger than me look so much better. It’s everything. It’s the lack of control, the complete disconnect from my mind and what I see in the mirror.
I hate it.
I hate this.
And no, this is not about "being attractive" to others. It's not about "but I would bang you, what's the problem?"... it's not magically fixed by an interested penis. This is about my own self-worth... destroyed by far more than just sexual issues. So please, no "I'd hit it" comments.