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Jan. 3rd, 2014 08:13 amMy general headspace feels like the rumbling of the incoming storm. I'm not... much of anything right now. Not stressed, angry, confused, depressed. But at the same time, I have bits and pieces and whispers of all of them, and I worry they'll come down on me hard and all at once and I might drown (or at least get very close) and I'm so tired of asking for the same lifesavers over and over. I worry that the people I turn to for help feel that's all I do, that it's a constant one-sided relationship where I bring exactly nothing to the table. With a clearer head maybe I wouldn't think that, but... I do right now. I do frequently.
When others feel this way it's so clear to me from the outside looking in how much they offer to the ones they love. But I can't see it in myself. I know that's incredibly common... expected, even. In the same way mirrors and photographs can never completely capture a person so they can never see themselves how others see them, we can never find a way to really look at ourselves with an outside view. We get small glimpses when we're reflected in others... like photographs and mirrors. And we might look good those ways here and there, but not always. But even when we look good we're still missing SO much of what they see. We get a glimpse, not the full view.
Meh, I'm rambling. I didn't sleep well last night and I had... strange half-dreams last night. Too much wishful thinking and fantasies. They're fun while I entertain them, but after... I get introspective, I feel regrets and the wishes become cruel teases at a life that I just can't have.
When others feel this way it's so clear to me from the outside looking in how much they offer to the ones they love. But I can't see it in myself. I know that's incredibly common... expected, even. In the same way mirrors and photographs can never completely capture a person so they can never see themselves how others see them, we can never find a way to really look at ourselves with an outside view. We get small glimpses when we're reflected in others... like photographs and mirrors. And we might look good those ways here and there, but not always. But even when we look good we're still missing SO much of what they see. We get a glimpse, not the full view.
Meh, I'm rambling. I didn't sleep well last night and I had... strange half-dreams last night. Too much wishful thinking and fantasies. They're fun while I entertain them, but after... I get introspective, I feel regrets and the wishes become cruel teases at a life that I just can't have.
