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Jan. 22nd, 2014 09:12 amEvery so often I get an urge, a desire... to just fast-forward. Where my brain goes "okay fuck waiting, I want to be in a wedding dress now. I want to be pregnant. I want to be a mom. I want to be post-surgery. Etc etc."
It's not that I'm ACTIVELY ready for any of that. It's that I'm ready to be be ready and occasionally I just feel impatient and want to rush to it. Not really, though... if a genie popped up and offered me to actually fast-forward to this stuff I'd turn it down. The experiences on the way aren't worth giving up. But it doesn't stop me from wishing I were in a place where I was already ready, if that makes sense.
Maybe it's because I'm seeing much younger friends and relatives doing stuff like this. Maybe it's because when I was younger I thought I'd already have done all this stuff by now. Which is the ignorance of youth, I know that... hell as a kid I assumed I'd be married by 20 and be done having kids by 25. Not sure where I got this idea, my own mom didn't have her first until 26.
I know I'm not in a slump, I'm not stagnant or stuck in any way. We're moving forward, and in very good ways, and a lot of this stuff is well on its way. It's being discussed and planned. And when I sit down and actually think to myself "what if this all happened tomorrow?" I panic a little. So I know I'm not ACTUALLY ready in this exact moment. I'm ready to plan. I just want to get to a mental/emotional place where I'm ready for more.
But I wouldn't do it if I had the choice. I'm just impatient. That's normal enough, I'm okay with that. I'll enjoy what's happening now, realize that just 5 years ago I wouldn't be ready to live with a partner and own a house with them. And that happened and I was comfortable with it. So I have grown, things have changed in good ways and I've been happy. So the rest will happen when I'm ready too.
It's not that I'm ACTIVELY ready for any of that. It's that I'm ready to be be ready and occasionally I just feel impatient and want to rush to it. Not really, though... if a genie popped up and offered me to actually fast-forward to this stuff I'd turn it down. The experiences on the way aren't worth giving up. But it doesn't stop me from wishing I were in a place where I was already ready, if that makes sense.
Maybe it's because I'm seeing much younger friends and relatives doing stuff like this. Maybe it's because when I was younger I thought I'd already have done all this stuff by now. Which is the ignorance of youth, I know that... hell as a kid I assumed I'd be married by 20 and be done having kids by 25. Not sure where I got this idea, my own mom didn't have her first until 26.
I know I'm not in a slump, I'm not stagnant or stuck in any way. We're moving forward, and in very good ways, and a lot of this stuff is well on its way. It's being discussed and planned. And when I sit down and actually think to myself "what if this all happened tomorrow?" I panic a little. So I know I'm not ACTUALLY ready in this exact moment. I'm ready to plan. I just want to get to a mental/emotional place where I'm ready for more.
But I wouldn't do it if I had the choice. I'm just impatient. That's normal enough, I'm okay with that. I'll enjoy what's happening now, realize that just 5 years ago I wouldn't be ready to live with a partner and own a house with them. And that happened and I was comfortable with it. So I have grown, things have changed in good ways and I've been happy. So the rest will happen when I'm ready too.
