(no subject)

Had a panic attack last night, first one in... over a year? Easily. Maybe closer to two. It was stupid, and I know it was brought on by pain fucking with my head. I've been on edge for a few days now and it was just really awful yesterday. Pain was so bad I actually blacked out that afternoon for about 20 minutes. That sucked. Had one painkiller so I took it, it helped for a while but by that evening it was bad again. All my defenses were down and suddenly I was vulnerable and scared and I broke just a little. Luckily this happened in the car on the way home so it was only Will with me. He was sweet and helpful and I was able to calm down just enough to get to sleep for a while. Woke up again after about two hours though and tossed and turned and felt like my gut was being torn to shreds by fear. What of? No idea. My brain picked a few things to feel anxious about but it seemed to just be trying to find an excuse to feel awful. Really frustrating.

If this becomes a regular occurrence I'll consider meds again (I've been completely off of them for about three years now and it's been good). But hopefully this is just a fluke brought on by the monumental stress that's being piled on right now from every corner of life. Very circumstantial, basically. I'll tough it out through June... June's gonna be a rough one. Very busy. Hopefully not all in stressful ways, though... and who knows, maybe busy will end up being a good thing. Lots of distractions.

But yeah, just need to get through the month. I think my biggest concern will be money, because finances are pretty tight right now and June might be too busy to take on any new paying work. This could be a problem, but... I'll figure something out.

So fuck anxiety, fuck fear, fuck my brain overloading. I can do this. I can overcome and relax and calm and focus and be powerful again.