(no subject)

I went to bed around 1am. Tossed and turned for almost two hours. Kept waking up throughout the night, uncomfortable and hurting. The room started getting lighter sometime after 6 and it's around then I just sort of gave up. I made a feeble attempt to sleep a bit more but it was useless. I was hurting too much.

So I'm up, and randomly crying. I took painkillers but they can often take an hour or two to kick in.

I see others who've suddenly faced chronic pain eventually lose their minds. Some days I wonder if that's coming. Maybe I've already lost it and I'm just "high functioning".

God knows on days like this I wish I trusted more people and could just relax and let myself cry and be weak around them. To trust that they'd hold me and still see me as strong and independent and capable, rather than it changing their perception to "tiny sad broken doll that needs coddling and protecting". I'm not that. But goddammit I'm tired of always being the reliable rock that faces storms like this with an iron will and optimism.

I'll get the optimism back. I've faced this before and won. I'll face it again and win. Today is no different.

But in the dark hours of the night and the gray quiet of the morning I'm left alone with my fear and pessimism and knowledge that very few people I know really can ever truly understand this.

Ten years of pain.

How long until I can't do this anymore?

(no subject)

(no subject)

CRrrrrraaaampsss

nooooooo

I'm not going to lie, kids. The last few hours are a blur.

Walked through fire, safe on the other side now.

I've been in very... overwhelming pain for the last 24 hours. With the weather and cramps combined, my hip was not handling it well. Painkillers barely touched it. I didn't sleep very well at all last night, the pain kept waking me up. The whole day was a blur, and the longer it went on the worse my headspace got. Until I was so far in the dark I couldn't see the way out. I panicked.

I'm doing better now. The right meds have helped. My fiance has helped*. I'm resting comfortably. The pain is still there, but significantly numbed.

I'll be okay.

(*In an odd and accidentally painful way. Heat is very good for my hip pain. I was so overwhelmed and overloaded by pain that when Will asked if biofreeze would help, I said it was worth a try. He carefully applied it. Immediately the pain was... confusing. I couldn't tell if it hurt or felt good. This was the peak of sensory overload. Then everything cleared like a fog just snapped away and out of existence. Then it was VERY CLEAR THAT THE BIOFREEZE FUCKING HURT. He then wiped the Biofreeze away and replaced it with a heating pad. It seems that shock of pain was exactly what I needed)