Useless Ramblings

Upped my selfie game today.

On July 3rd 20 years ago, my then-8-year-old little brother Addison was upstairs putting sheets on his bed before bedtime. He squeezed between his bunk bed and the open window. He reached for the sheet, missed, and fell backwards and out the window. He was hospitalized for a while, but survived with no lasting issues. So I threw him a 20 year celebration! :)

I printed out the skulls and wrote all the speech bubbles. I got eyepatch party favors because he had to wear an eyepatch for weeks after he was in the hospital (the head injury crossed his eyes for a while there) I googled a drink recipe called “Michael’s Downfall” (Addison’s first name is Michael… the drink turned out to be pretty tasty!)… my fiance-husband-thing made a “falling” themed playlist. I made cookies. I had the head wrap stuff ready with markers and people drew on it or signed it. We ended the night watching Big Hero 6 (he hadn’t seen it and, hell, the main song was sang by Fall Out Boy so it still fit the theme ;))

The shining moment, I think, is that I bought him a replacement stuffed cookie monster doll that was stolen in the hospital when he was eight years old. It was the necessary sappy moment of the night. :)

( some of the pictures )

Finally got pest control. Have seen a few spiders and wasps keep sneaking into our bedroom. Some guy was going door to door and I was tired of not having it done so I signed up for a 12 month plan. It's pricy but we have a decently big house so I expected it, and I might poke Will and Roq for help with later payments (this first one was hugely discounted so I'm not as concerned with that)

Yay, adulting.


Tonight I'm having Will help me look up some good dirt/mulch options online. Get started on kicking those flowerbeds' asses. First things first, weed and grass kill the shit out of 'em. Let that sink in for a while. Then get some good soil and mulch in. Then first things first, the HOA-required amount of shrubbery for our sized lot (yeah yeah HOAs suck, I get it, but I like shrubbery so I don't care)... after all that, THEN I handle things like getting some pretty flowers in there like I've always wanted. And god help me we need to find a cheap option for rocks to surround the flowerbeds with... it's RIDICULOUS that those sized rocks can cost like 100 bucks a pop. Screw that. I've checked Craigslist before and they often have cheap/free options for that so I'd rather do that, but only when I can wrangle some able bodies and a car to transport everything. :P

So, yay. Adulting even when sick. Extra adult XP when you do that.

Looks like the record-breaking rain of May is gone, June looks pretty dry here so far.

I started a new commission special on Facebook and I'm kicking ass at it so far. I've stayed up stupid late working more than once. I have a feeling it's the new meds... it's kicking apathy out the door and letting my passion for work fire back up again. I'm hoping it stays this way.

So... I'm going good. Had one weird random crying spell a few days ago out of nowhere but otherwise I've not noticed too many weird stuff with the new meds.

Okay, back to work. Then therapy this afternoon, then party tonight. :)

Today I start on my new meds for depression and anxiety. Hopefully I rolled a nat 20 on this cocktail and soon I'll be consistently productive, confident, able to socialize more, able to talk openly with my partners more without crippling fear... all that good stuff.

I'm going to kick ass and take names in my 30s.

I feel like my 20s were training, or some kind of test. 30s is where the real fun begins.

Ten years. Ten years since I swore an oath and jumped on a plane and headed over to Fort Jackson, SC. Ten years since I met a man who would break my heart but still change and help so much. Ten years since I met friends I would lose to war. Ten years since I started down a road that would quickly lead to me being crippled for life. Ten years since I started down a road that would quickly make me stronger, louder, angrier, more passionate and sure of myself.

I was 19, days from being 20. My MEPS experience wasn't much different than the first 10 times or so that I went. The girl they put me up with in the hotel was going for her very first MEPS visit and was so nervous. I wasn't. I felt like I should have been, but it'd taken me a year to join and mentally I was mostly too impatient to feel properly nervous. She asked me what I was doing at MEPS this time, and seemed floored when I told her I was shipping out. I think my calmness threw her off... but helped, I hope.

They keep you at MEPS all damn day when you ship out. You do the usual cup-peeing, you sign a lot of things, you do the oath, then you just sit there for hours doing nothing. It's on purpose. The flight isn't until that evening and they want you exhausted when you get to reception. Hell the flight took forever and they still had us sit as the airport for ages.

I met some one at that airport who is still my friend despite us playing with that whole relationship thing for a while (it was a miserable failure)

Reception was quick, starting technically on the 26th in the wee hours of the morning when the bus took us there from the airport. Most people spend a week processing. You get all your clothes, your dog tags, do a lot of paperwork, get your shots, some MORE paperwork, blood drawn, they talk to you about so many things you'll forget in almost no time. Again, this normally is covered over the span of a week, we had two days.

We got on the bus to Basic on the 28th, my 20th birthday. I might talk more about that later. I just kind of wanted to talk about the very very beginning.

I was so different. I mean, duh... 30 and 20 are massively different ages, mentally, emotionally, socially. But I wouldn't recognize myself if 20-me met 30-me. Back then I was beaten down, underweight, quiet and shy, terrified of the world. But I was tired of being terrified. I was tired of being afraid and abused and manipulated. The military was an extreme form of escape, one that left me permanently scarred, but it did exactly what I wanted it to. I came out of the other end changed so much that my own family was shocked by the person I was by the time I got home. I had become so much stronger. I was bold, loud, angry, passionate. I didn't put up with the same shit I put up with before. I cut ties with people I needed to cut ties with, people who I'd been terrified to do that to before.

I wouldn't change it. I mean, sure, small things... there's always small things. But I learned a lot. And I didn't stop there, I've been growing so much in these 10 years and I'll do so for the next 10 years, and the 10 after that. I'll die of old age while smiling and saying I still don't understand a damn thing, and I'm still not done.

I'm never done. I could be bedridden with pain, breath caught in my throat because of it, brain screaming in terror from a dark memory... but none of that will beat me. Nothing ever has, nothing ever will. I'm not done. The Army broke me in so many ways and built me up in others. I don't regret it. Anything that can break any part of me is also something I can use to become something far more powerful than I was before.

Ten years... it's been a good ten years.

I'm very, very hard to surprise. Will's expressed frustration throughout our entire relationship about this. I've guessed presents, surprise parties, everything. After six years he's now managed two surprises* and he's been super proud of himself both times.
wink emoticon

*First was the proposal at Disneyworld - I knew it was coming, just not when exactly. :)

Second was tonight when my family came up from San Antonio to have a birthday dinner and give me presents and cupcakes. ^_^

( Pics )

I took my nose ring out about 24 hours ago and had nothing plastic to put in in the meantime (MRI + metal in your face = NO)

Now I can’t get it back in and if I want that nose ring back I’ll probably have to go get it re-pierced.

I’m annoyed and frustrated. If I didn’t have all this neuropathy that’s worrying my doc I wouldn’t have to have a goddamn brain MRI and I wouldn’t have had to take it out in the first place.

I wouldn’t be so annoyed if this didn’t feel like a small “you’re crippled and your body isn’t under your own control” slap in the face. My nose ring was one of the small pieces of control I’ve had in the last few years. Something about my body that was 100% my choice. Now because of my health I can’t have it right now and it’s pissing me off.

Momentary setback, I know. Re-piercing is no big deal and I’ve had to do it before on my ears (and while I'm there getting it done I'll buy a plastic something so if I need another brain MRI this won't happen again). I’ll be okay. But right this second, I’m not.

I swear my next big move is going to be tattoos. I don’t have any yet. I know what I want, I just need to get it designed by some one whose style lines up better with it.

I just want my body to be mine, dammit.