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Jul. 8th, 2011 04:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shingaI miss dancing.
That intoxicating experience of being surrounded by people letting themselves go to music... the loud, deep music that you feel deep in your gut. Soaking in every bit of energy that place gives you, closing your eyes and just... going.
I miss that freedom, forgetting myself in those moments and becoming something else. In those moments I felt like a goddess of war, a goddess of sex. I was unstoppable and the world was mine. Whoever I danced with was mine in that moment and I was confident of this.
Lately even when piss-drunk the pain levels still prevent me from dancing. Even when I take a corner in the club and "dance" for a minute or so, I am constantly having to watch myself... I have to be careful, not move too quickly or in the wrong way... not put weight on whichever leg hurts worse that day. I'm too distracted by my body to let go.
So yes, I miss it. I miss dancing with Will, I miss being able to move like that. When at Pan lately it's just... easier for me to sit outside. That's not all bad, it's where I can hear people and socialize throughout the evening. But I miss spending an entire night at Panoptikon inside and breathing in the music and dancing it out.
Bah. There are many many other frustrations in my pain getting so much worse, but this one gets to me pretty badly sometimes. I also hate having a hard time just going into a store and walking around for 10 minutes. I hate having to inconvenience people by needing my wheelchair wherever I go. I hate the days when I just plain can't get up and do chores or cook.
The worst part... I don't see this getting better. I don't see me turning 30 and suddenly everything being okay. What I do see, and I see this as realistic and not pessimistic, I see it getting worse. I see me eventually being more or less constantly in the 'chair. It's stressful because I want a child someday. Would people look down on me for not being able to be an "ideal" mother because I'm disabled? Would I be able to play with my kid? Pick them up? Take them to school, make it to school meetings, stuff like that?
I know when people tell me it'll get better, they mean well. Maybe they even truly believe it. I'd like to, but it's been getting worse and worse for the last 6 years. It's just hard for me to put on a smile and believe that someday I'll be dancing again.
*ahem* Sorry about that. Just... needed to get it off my chest, as it were. I know I can be a bit of a downer sometimes. Shark Week just started and I'm cramping and hormonal and thinking entirely too much (a problem I have, I know)
Now the goddamn ASPCA Sarah McLachlan is on TV. >:(
ffff
That intoxicating experience of being surrounded by people letting themselves go to music... the loud, deep music that you feel deep in your gut. Soaking in every bit of energy that place gives you, closing your eyes and just... going.
I miss that freedom, forgetting myself in those moments and becoming something else. In those moments I felt like a goddess of war, a goddess of sex. I was unstoppable and the world was mine. Whoever I danced with was mine in that moment and I was confident of this.
Lately even when piss-drunk the pain levels still prevent me from dancing. Even when I take a corner in the club and "dance" for a minute or so, I am constantly having to watch myself... I have to be careful, not move too quickly or in the wrong way... not put weight on whichever leg hurts worse that day. I'm too distracted by my body to let go.
So yes, I miss it. I miss dancing with Will, I miss being able to move like that. When at Pan lately it's just... easier for me to sit outside. That's not all bad, it's where I can hear people and socialize throughout the evening. But I miss spending an entire night at Panoptikon inside and breathing in the music and dancing it out.
Bah. There are many many other frustrations in my pain getting so much worse, but this one gets to me pretty badly sometimes. I also hate having a hard time just going into a store and walking around for 10 minutes. I hate having to inconvenience people by needing my wheelchair wherever I go. I hate the days when I just plain can't get up and do chores or cook.
The worst part... I don't see this getting better. I don't see me turning 30 and suddenly everything being okay. What I do see, and I see this as realistic and not pessimistic, I see it getting worse. I see me eventually being more or less constantly in the 'chair. It's stressful because I want a child someday. Would people look down on me for not being able to be an "ideal" mother because I'm disabled? Would I be able to play with my kid? Pick them up? Take them to school, make it to school meetings, stuff like that?
I know when people tell me it'll get better, they mean well. Maybe they even truly believe it. I'd like to, but it's been getting worse and worse for the last 6 years. It's just hard for me to put on a smile and believe that someday I'll be dancing again.
*ahem* Sorry about that. Just... needed to get it off my chest, as it were. I know I can be a bit of a downer sometimes. Shark Week just started and I'm cramping and hormonal and thinking entirely too much (a problem I have, I know)
Now the goddamn ASPCA Sarah McLachlan is on TV. >:(
ffff