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Apr. 19th, 2013 03:46 pmI do not get why I have such seasonal depression issues in the Spring. In theory this should be my favorite season. And in plenty of ways I love it (autumn just barely wins, because escaping Texas heat is an automatic 1000 points)... everything's going for it. The weather is warming, the days are longer, the sun is out, there are beautiful thunderstorms and cool breezes mixed with the warmth of the as-of-yet inoffensive sun... it's got all the ingredients. Sure all the mixed weather can mess with me, pain-wise... I get headaches and my hips are unhappy. But I have a high pain tolerance so to an extent it should be worth it.
So WHY does my depression seem to thrive here? Is it the up-and-down, the chaotic weather? Is the increased pain getting to me without me even realizing it? I know the pain has really fucked up my sleep schedule... I'll admit that doesn't help things. But even if I sleep just fine my depression seems so... loud this time of year.
If I personify my depression, then I'd say it's like it hibernates, but... mildly so. I'm still depressed in the winter but it seems... slow. Sluggish. More apathetic than anything. Then the weather warms and it thaws out and suddenly it's loud, abrasive, and hard to control. By the summer it tends to calm down a little, get into a routine. The constant sun seems to quiet it. The heat might be pretty awful but at least it's bright out.
But yeah, it's weird. I want to like Spring, I really do. Like I said, most of what makes up Spring is amazing. I should love it. So why the hell do I feel so shitty?
Yes, I'm working up to calling the VA and discussing the possibility of a new anti-depressant. Also want to discuss how bad the hormone/thyroid imbalance still is and I don't give a shit what the tests might say (and that, btw, I want a print-out for a second opinion), and maybe explore the idea of some painkillers that might work on my hips/legs.
Ever since my breakdown earlier this week I've actually been doing better. I feel a strange sort of clarity, like I can see the depression beast far clearer now. I understand the enemy better and I'm more comfortable in the idea that I can fight it and maybe even win - definitely survive. I just had to let myself admit how big it'd gotten... stop shutting my eyes and pretending it wasn't that bad.
Too often I play the "it could be worse" game. I've been taught to play it, sure... years of conditioning will do that. The second you admit you're struggling you get voices all around you, loved ones you trusted with that information, laughing and telling you to suck it up. Others have it worse. People are starving, living on the streets, struggling with worse disabilities, etc. But it's a stupid goddamn game, because when you think about it? NO ONE WINS. Every single person on the Earth could complain and argue themselves out of it because that magical "some one else" has it worse. And who IS that guy, btw? Who is Patient Zero of Having It Worse? The one person you can find who talks about his or her problems and you cannot, no matter what, say some one has it worse. Because they're it. They're the guy.
...
this is another one of those times I didn't mean to type up so much, ha. I must be in a good place to talk and whatnot. I've been closed off. I should stop that. Putting things into words is helpful - not a magical fix or anything, but... helpful.
So WHY does my depression seem to thrive here? Is it the up-and-down, the chaotic weather? Is the increased pain getting to me without me even realizing it? I know the pain has really fucked up my sleep schedule... I'll admit that doesn't help things. But even if I sleep just fine my depression seems so... loud this time of year.
If I personify my depression, then I'd say it's like it hibernates, but... mildly so. I'm still depressed in the winter but it seems... slow. Sluggish. More apathetic than anything. Then the weather warms and it thaws out and suddenly it's loud, abrasive, and hard to control. By the summer it tends to calm down a little, get into a routine. The constant sun seems to quiet it. The heat might be pretty awful but at least it's bright out.
But yeah, it's weird. I want to like Spring, I really do. Like I said, most of what makes up Spring is amazing. I should love it. So why the hell do I feel so shitty?
Yes, I'm working up to calling the VA and discussing the possibility of a new anti-depressant. Also want to discuss how bad the hormone/thyroid imbalance still is and I don't give a shit what the tests might say (and that, btw, I want a print-out for a second opinion), and maybe explore the idea of some painkillers that might work on my hips/legs.
Ever since my breakdown earlier this week I've actually been doing better. I feel a strange sort of clarity, like I can see the depression beast far clearer now. I understand the enemy better and I'm more comfortable in the idea that I can fight it and maybe even win - definitely survive. I just had to let myself admit how big it'd gotten... stop shutting my eyes and pretending it wasn't that bad.
Too often I play the "it could be worse" game. I've been taught to play it, sure... years of conditioning will do that. The second you admit you're struggling you get voices all around you, loved ones you trusted with that information, laughing and telling you to suck it up. Others have it worse. People are starving, living on the streets, struggling with worse disabilities, etc. But it's a stupid goddamn game, because when you think about it? NO ONE WINS. Every single person on the Earth could complain and argue themselves out of it because that magical "some one else" has it worse. And who IS that guy, btw? Who is Patient Zero of Having It Worse? The one person you can find who talks about his or her problems and you cannot, no matter what, say some one has it worse. Because they're it. They're the guy.
...
this is another one of those times I didn't mean to type up so much, ha. I must be in a good place to talk and whatnot. I've been closed off. I should stop that. Putting things into words is helpful - not a magical fix or anything, but... helpful.
