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Jul. 31st, 2014 01:08 pmAugust starts tomorrow. To say that I'm nervous is... a slight understatement, but only slight. I've pinpointed SOME of the sources of the anxiety spikes in the last week or so (surprise, surprise - it's control issues!)
I need to sit down and make a big ol' to-do list for August and schedule goals by the week. If I just take this one week at a time in goal-terms, and one day at a time in routine terms, I can hopefully stave off as much September-related anxiety as possible.
*sigh*
One of the most frustrating things about my control issues is trying to find that balance... because dammit I LIKE being in control, I don't see that as a flaw. But it becomes a flaw when anything OUT of my control sort of just breaks something very vital in my brain. And I do mean rather big stuff, at least... I'm not going to freak out every time some one else is planning an outing, or some one else makes a decision... unless that decision is something I disagree with or affects me negatively I really don't give a shit. I LIKE other people having their own control too, and having input. It's... it's big life stuff. Stuff I'm not sure I'll control as well as I hope I can.
I've come to rely on the level of control I have in my environment. When that environment has a big change... it's not that I consciously think "I can't do this, I can't handle it", but I'm pretty sure it's where the anxiety comes in. I logically and reasonably KNOW I CAN FUCKING HANDLE IT. With grace, with ease, with as much "fuck you world I got this shit" attitude as I take on just about every shit-pile that's ever been thrown at my head. And yet... always, ALWAYS, in the back of my stupid head... what if I don't this time?
... And what IF I don't? Will people leave me, realize I'm weak and not want anything to do with me? Will I lose everything I've worked for in my life, suddenly end up in the streets because I didn't handle ONE bit of change very well? Yes these are extreme things - but therapist recommended going super ridiculous with things sometimes just to point out to my Floating Anxiety Buddy* how fucking ridiculous its being.
So... I have a lot to work on in the next month. Get work done. Things around the house, financial-type work. Work harder in therapy on NOT actively avoiding working hard in therapy... actually try to pinpoint some of this bullshit and work on it for once. September is a big looming scary thing and I can kick its ass.
( * )
I need to sit down and make a big ol' to-do list for August and schedule goals by the week. If I just take this one week at a time in goal-terms, and one day at a time in routine terms, I can hopefully stave off as much September-related anxiety as possible.
*sigh*
One of the most frustrating things about my control issues is trying to find that balance... because dammit I LIKE being in control, I don't see that as a flaw. But it becomes a flaw when anything OUT of my control sort of just breaks something very vital in my brain. And I do mean rather big stuff, at least... I'm not going to freak out every time some one else is planning an outing, or some one else makes a decision... unless that decision is something I disagree with or affects me negatively I really don't give a shit. I LIKE other people having their own control too, and having input. It's... it's big life stuff. Stuff I'm not sure I'll control as well as I hope I can.
I've come to rely on the level of control I have in my environment. When that environment has a big change... it's not that I consciously think "I can't do this, I can't handle it", but I'm pretty sure it's where the anxiety comes in. I logically and reasonably KNOW I CAN FUCKING HANDLE IT. With grace, with ease, with as much "fuck you world I got this shit" attitude as I take on just about every shit-pile that's ever been thrown at my head. And yet... always, ALWAYS, in the back of my stupid head... what if I don't this time?
... And what IF I don't? Will people leave me, realize I'm weak and not want anything to do with me? Will I lose everything I've worked for in my life, suddenly end up in the streets because I didn't handle ONE bit of change very well? Yes these are extreme things - but therapist recommended going super ridiculous with things sometimes just to point out to my Floating Anxiety Buddy* how fucking ridiculous its being.
So... I have a lot to work on in the next month. Get work done. Things around the house, financial-type work. Work harder in therapy on NOT actively avoiding working hard in therapy... actually try to pinpoint some of this bullshit and work on it for once. September is a big looming scary thing and I can kick its ass.
( * )
