(no subject)

I had a brain MRI today and it took like almost an hour and I’m claustrophobic. I was FREAKING THE SHIT OUT but luckily in an extremely “so tense I cannot move” way so I was perfect still for them. The second I was out of that thing, though? The tech got seriously concerned that I was having a reaction to the contrast or something because of how badly I was shaking and trembling and foggy-brained so much I could barely communicate. The clinic I went to had a gift shop so I picked up some water to slowly sip on in the car ride home (I wasn’t driving - I can’t drive because of my hips anyway but even if I could I would have preferred some one else do that today)… lunch helped. The nap when I got home helped. But even after all of that, several hours later, I’m still tense and my chest is a little tight from the panic.

Claustrophobia is frustrating. It’s been a long while since it was this rough, I’m rarely in situations where it acts up these days because I know ways to get around in places that would otherwise push it (like dimly-lit restaurants - like making sure I’m not sitting directly under a low light, making sure I have a clear view of an open area and/or exit, etc)

There’s really no “escape” with the MRI. The only thing that kept me semi-sane in that thing was a number of mental exercises. And quietly planning a very violent escape plan… like “if I had to fight my way out of this room, what would I use” kind of thing (weird but as a coping mechanism for claustrophobic situations it helps a LOT… provides a brief illusion of control, which in general helps me calm down in MOST situations)

Sorry, getting this all out. It helps.

(no subject)

I took my nose ring out about 24 hours ago and had nothing plastic to put in in the meantime (MRI + metal in your face = NO)

Now I can’t get it back in and if I want that nose ring back I’ll probably have to go get it re-pierced.

I’m annoyed and frustrated. If I didn’t have all this neuropathy that’s worrying my doc I wouldn’t have to have a goddamn brain MRI and I wouldn’t have had to take it out in the first place.

I wouldn’t be so annoyed if this didn’t feel like a small “you’re crippled and your body isn’t under your own control” slap in the face. My nose ring was one of the small pieces of control I’ve had in the last few years. Something about my body that was 100% my choice. Now because of my health I can’t have it right now and it’s pissing me off.

Momentary setback, I know. Re-piercing is no big deal and I’ve had to do it before on my ears (and while I'm there getting it done I'll buy a plastic something so if I need another brain MRI this won't happen again). I’ll be okay. But right this second, I’m not.

I swear my next big move is going to be tattoos. I don’t have any yet. I know what I want, I just need to get it designed by some one whose style lines up better with it.

I just want my body to be mine, dammit.