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Apr. 14th, 2015 07:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shingaI had a brain MRI today and it took like almost an hour and I’m claustrophobic. I was FREAKING THE SHIT OUT but luckily in an extremely “so tense I cannot move” way so I was perfect still for them. The second I was out of that thing, though? The tech got seriously concerned that I was having a reaction to the contrast or something because of how badly I was shaking and trembling and foggy-brained so much I could barely communicate. The clinic I went to had a gift shop so I picked up some water to slowly sip on in the car ride home (I wasn’t driving - I can’t drive because of my hips anyway but even if I could I would have preferred some one else do that today)… lunch helped. The nap when I got home helped. But even after all of that, several hours later, I’m still tense and my chest is a little tight from the panic.
Claustrophobia is frustrating. It’s been a long while since it was this rough, I’m rarely in situations where it acts up these days because I know ways to get around in places that would otherwise push it (like dimly-lit restaurants - like making sure I’m not sitting directly under a low light, making sure I have a clear view of an open area and/or exit, etc)
There’s really no “escape” with the MRI. The only thing that kept me semi-sane in that thing was a number of mental exercises. And quietly planning a very violent escape plan… like “if I had to fight my way out of this room, what would I use” kind of thing (weird but as a coping mechanism for claustrophobic situations it helps a LOT… provides a brief illusion of control, which in general helps me calm down in MOST situations)
Sorry, getting this all out. It helps.
Claustrophobia is frustrating. It’s been a long while since it was this rough, I’m rarely in situations where it acts up these days because I know ways to get around in places that would otherwise push it (like dimly-lit restaurants - like making sure I’m not sitting directly under a low light, making sure I have a clear view of an open area and/or exit, etc)
There’s really no “escape” with the MRI. The only thing that kept me semi-sane in that thing was a number of mental exercises. And quietly planning a very violent escape plan… like “if I had to fight my way out of this room, what would I use” kind of thing (weird but as a coping mechanism for claustrophobic situations it helps a LOT… provides a brief illusion of control, which in general helps me calm down in MOST situations)
Sorry, getting this all out. It helps.
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Date: 2015-04-15 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-04-15 03:00 am (UTC)So was the pretty tropical picture they have on the ceiling. I think it's supposed to be calming, but it's in eight sections and one of those sections is just SLIGHTLY off center and it annoyed the EVER-LOVING FUCK OUT OF ME. It's one thing I was glad about with my head in the MRI machine today, I couldn't see that fucked up goddamn picture. FUCK YOU, PALM TREE, MOVE TWO INCHES DOWN YOU FUCKER.
no subject
Date: 2015-04-15 01:06 pm (UTC)I have rarely ever had to deal with claustrophobia. For some reason around the time I was in college my feet would get claustrophobic - which sounds really odd and it was.
There would just be a point where I couldn't stand the idea of shoes, or even socks at times, on my feet. The thing I remember the most though was the completely irrational fear of it. Didn't matter how much the learned side of my brain understood how misplaced the fear was, the lizard brain was damn certain I would die of I couldn't get the shoes off. And get them off now.
Dude. They're just shoes.
If you don't get them off your going to suffocate.
Normal fitting shoes.
I can't breathe.
They're not even that tight.
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.
And the longer I waited and tried to rationalize it out the more panicked my lizard brain became. I don't think there was ever a time I was able to mentally work through it. The best I was able to manage was to not completely flip out while trying to unlace my boots. (This might be one of the reasons why I always wear boots with zippers… another is because I'm lazy.) After a while it just stopped happening.
The point of telling this story is to say - You are amazing in your strength. It probably doesn't feel that way right now, it never does at the time. But you are.
I so hate MRIs
Date: 2015-04-15 03:22 pm (UTC)You can't get out easily or quickly if something goes wrong.
I fucking hate it. I would have insisted on a break at 30 minutes. I was getting that way when they ran it again. 35 minutes had me freaking out. I'm sure in another 10 I would have said "Tough shit, I'm out."
You are amazing.
I am so impressed you handled 60 minutes.
good Lord!