(no subject)
Jan. 30th, 2014 10:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shingaI think in the last few years I've realized I have to hold back for so many things. Seeing friends go through abuse and not being able to do a thing because the friend doesn't want help... or doesn't need it. And that's fine, my friends are grown-ass adults who are absolutely allowed to stick around and take it and make those mistakes. I've made them too, I'll make them again. We're all just human and whatnot.
But god help me when there's something I CAN do? I admit I go a bit far. I know I have some "protective" issues when it comes to people I love. An angry little asshole most of us know was rambling on and on during one of his "episodes" (that he thinks he should never be held accountable for, big shocker) and during that particular rant he threatened to physically harm Will. It's not that I think he COULD... Will would stomp that little shit to the ground and I'd watch with a bowl of popcorn. But I was fucking furious all the same. Part of me WISHED that little shit would come over and threaten us to our faces so I could break him down and make him WISH we were "cowards who call 911"(as he said). I didn't run with this urge. I didn't message him, talk to him, anything. The next time I saw him (and every time after that) I was cold as hell to him, just waiting for him to fuck up where I could see it. But as stupid as this kid is, I think he's not stupid enough to follow through on any threats or even make them to the person he's threatening. For all his talk, he's pathetic.
But yes... I don't get angry often, and when I do it's often on behalf of some one else. And if a friend is attacked or threatened or anything and they actually WANT my help? I will freely admit I can go a bit far. Granted this is all in typed or spoken word... I've never outright beaten anyone up or hurt anyone (even if in SOME circumstances I would have liked to), but I will do my best to tear them down verbally until they back the fuck off. It's worked.
In those moments though I'm never sure how I feel about myself. Part of me is proud that I stepped up and did something, part of me worried my friend won't like my methods, part of me just... doesn't like myself when I'm angry. I might use the anger for all the right reasons but it doesn't mean the things that come out of my mouth are things I'm very proud of. If these moments are witnessed I always hope my friends don't really judge that part of me too harshly... it's such a rare thing. But if they did I'd understand. Just because anger is rare doesn't mean it isn't genuine.
And maybe I shouldn't hold back quite as often... it seems to boil over time and pretty soon when it's finally released it's unpredictable and painful and not always to the right people.
So yeah, that's a goal I can start working on. Ways to temper and control anger when and if I decide to let it out, and how to do that. I've discussed getting a punching bag for the house, I think that would help. It's exactly my sort of exercise (high-paced, warrior, fighting stuff.,. you know, stuff I can't normally do anymore) (fuck I think I just found a source of some of my pent-up anger) and it'd probably help with finding some emotional balance.
Because anger isn't inherently bad or unhealthy. But it is dangerous and needs to be wielded like a weapon... with care, training, and expertise needed to make sure the wrong people don't get hurt by it - including myself.
But god help me when there's something I CAN do? I admit I go a bit far. I know I have some "protective" issues when it comes to people I love. An angry little asshole most of us know was rambling on and on during one of his "episodes" (that he thinks he should never be held accountable for, big shocker) and during that particular rant he threatened to physically harm Will. It's not that I think he COULD... Will would stomp that little shit to the ground and I'd watch with a bowl of popcorn. But I was fucking furious all the same. Part of me WISHED that little shit would come over and threaten us to our faces so I could break him down and make him WISH we were "cowards who call 911"(as he said). I didn't run with this urge. I didn't message him, talk to him, anything. The next time I saw him (and every time after that) I was cold as hell to him, just waiting for him to fuck up where I could see it. But as stupid as this kid is, I think he's not stupid enough to follow through on any threats or even make them to the person he's threatening. For all his talk, he's pathetic.
But yes... I don't get angry often, and when I do it's often on behalf of some one else. And if a friend is attacked or threatened or anything and they actually WANT my help? I will freely admit I can go a bit far. Granted this is all in typed or spoken word... I've never outright beaten anyone up or hurt anyone (even if in SOME circumstances I would have liked to), but I will do my best to tear them down verbally until they back the fuck off. It's worked.
In those moments though I'm never sure how I feel about myself. Part of me is proud that I stepped up and did something, part of me worried my friend won't like my methods, part of me just... doesn't like myself when I'm angry. I might use the anger for all the right reasons but it doesn't mean the things that come out of my mouth are things I'm very proud of. If these moments are witnessed I always hope my friends don't really judge that part of me too harshly... it's such a rare thing. But if they did I'd understand. Just because anger is rare doesn't mean it isn't genuine.
And maybe I shouldn't hold back quite as often... it seems to boil over time and pretty soon when it's finally released it's unpredictable and painful and not always to the right people.
So yeah, that's a goal I can start working on. Ways to temper and control anger when and if I decide to let it out, and how to do that. I've discussed getting a punching bag for the house, I think that would help. It's exactly my sort of exercise (high-paced, warrior, fighting stuff.,. you know, stuff I can't normally do anymore) (fuck I think I just found a source of some of my pent-up anger) and it'd probably help with finding some emotional balance.
Because anger isn't inherently bad or unhealthy. But it is dangerous and needs to be wielded like a weapon... with care, training, and expertise needed to make sure the wrong people don't get hurt by it - including myself.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-31 04:20 am (UTC)(Unless of course you're talking about me, as I've been pretty twitch-ranty lately, myself. Don't recall saying anything about Will, though... hm.)
no subject
Date: 2014-01-31 01:31 pm (UTC)I don't think less of you for your ranty mama bear tendencies. Kinda makes me feel better about mine.
And I'm with you on the ambivalence. It's hard standing back and letting a friend fight their battles on their own, but it's even harder knowing when to step in and how far to go. Communication helps, but it's still largely a guessing game.
You live, and learn, and then get luvs. :P
Oh! You should really read the book I'm currently on: Dance of Anger.
For one, it's good. For another it totally talks about anger as a check engine light for your brain. That anger is not inherently bad just an indication that something needs your attention. And it can take quite a bit of effort to figure out why your angry and the root cause.