Actual full real update
Nov. 27th, 2010 09:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shinga- Desperate for money. Intended to be home all weekend working but plans changed last minute. Will work a bit tomorrow at least... December is coming up fast and at this rate dunno if I'll make it. The idea that Will would have to carry more than his fair share bugs me - I want to contribute equally, dammit :( At least, as much as I can... I can rarely afford food for us, drinks, etc... but I can at least get half the rent and bills, dammit. *sigh* Usually, anyway. Maybe I can earn enough this week that he won't have to help on the 1st and have to wait for me to pay him back.
- Thinking of selling the car. I love it, but... my body's gotten worse and driving hurts like a bitch. Even the short drive to the VA is painful. Riding in a car isn't as bad, not so much with the pushing on pedals and such. I can't use it and only go to the VA in it these days, can't really afford to put gas in to do anymore than that even if I could. As it is about $200 a month goes into the car, which isn't horrible I know, but with my limited resources and the fact that it's getting to be harder and harder to even use it... well, just feels like I'm throwing away $200 a month. I'd sell it for half what I got it for (and what I got it for was a good deal too) at $1500... it's in great condition, no major problems. Got whatever was wrong with it fixed when I first got it.
I dunno. If I do this, it means finding a ride to VA appointments. I know people are busy with their own jobs and school and general life-stuff. And asking favors is still one of the hardest things to do for me. But it's probably very necessary. I'll probably work out deals with whoever gives a ride... either gas money, a homecooked meal, art, a drink next time we're at Pan or something, etc.
For those who are MOST LIKELY wondering, yes, Denton has a bus system. But that might be an even worse option for me than driving, because our bus stops are HORRIBLE. I don't say that lightly. No cover so if it rains you're fucked. NO seating at all (except in maybe one or two stops that I've seen, out of the dozens Denton has) so I'd be standing there for several SEVERAL minutes waiting, in pain (worse in the cold/rain/snow) and... yeah.
- So, yeah. A fuck load on my mind. A lot of personal drama going on right now too, stuff that's kept me away from everything. Stuff both very close to me, and not so close but it's still distracting. A lot of loss happening right now, for a lot of people. Trying to give as much of me as I can while still staying sane. The balance right now is difficult to find, as the situation I'm close to is... unique, and new to me entirely. I fear sometimes I'm hurting worse than I'm helping.
- Haven't heard anything from the VA about any further appointments. But then, haven't checked the mail since Thursday. I really really need to fill out some paperwork about PTRP but... it scares me to think about. I may need a friend by my side as I write everything down, helping keep me on focus. I thought about taking the paperwork to therapy and doing it there but there's already entirely too much I need to talk about in that hour to waste time writing.
- Despite all that's going on, I do find that my life is full of more happiness than I could ever expect. I've gotten closer to friends than I ever thought possible in a platonic relationship, I find myself so in love with Will it scares me sometimes... but, mostly just comforts. Some of the happiest moments are just sitting next to him on the couch while he plays a video game and I'm on the laptop fooling around online. There's not always a word shared between us, but he's there. And I often have my feet tucked up under his thigh, keeping myself warm.
- Haven't drawn in what feels like ages. I know it's only been maybe a week, tops... been watching Gargoyles on the DVR, the second part of the second season (the one NOT out on DVD, fuck you Disney) and it's been cheering me up. Inspiring me some, too. I'll doodle a little while watching it sometimes. Reminds me of when I used to do this exact thing around the age of 10. But everything on my mind is a giant artistic block. It's frustrating because I desperately want to, but can't seem to make it work.
- My family can frustrate me sometimes... I love my mom despite how strongly we disagree on my lifestyle and choices. But I miss her. I miss my dad, and I wish I could be close to my sister right now to help her with what she's going through, and help her with the baby. Who, btw, no... I still haven't met. I see pictures and video when they post it but I still want to hold him. It might make my ovaries explode, but it's worth the risk. :P
- It's getting colder out. Cold sucks due to OMG PAIN but I do love this season. Curling up all warm inside, lighting a fire, eating warm comfort foods... plus, you know, Christmas and the like. It's good cuddle weather, too. I love cuddling but when it's 105 degrees out even I can't justify it.
- That's all off the top of my admittedly very full head. There's probably more... a lot more... but, that's it for now.
- Thinking of selling the car. I love it, but... my body's gotten worse and driving hurts like a bitch. Even the short drive to the VA is painful. Riding in a car isn't as bad, not so much with the pushing on pedals and such. I can't use it and only go to the VA in it these days, can't really afford to put gas in to do anymore than that even if I could. As it is about $200 a month goes into the car, which isn't horrible I know, but with my limited resources and the fact that it's getting to be harder and harder to even use it... well, just feels like I'm throwing away $200 a month. I'd sell it for half what I got it for (and what I got it for was a good deal too) at $1500... it's in great condition, no major problems. Got whatever was wrong with it fixed when I first got it.
I dunno. If I do this, it means finding a ride to VA appointments. I know people are busy with their own jobs and school and general life-stuff. And asking favors is still one of the hardest things to do for me. But it's probably very necessary. I'll probably work out deals with whoever gives a ride... either gas money, a homecooked meal, art, a drink next time we're at Pan or something, etc.
For those who are MOST LIKELY wondering, yes, Denton has a bus system. But that might be an even worse option for me than driving, because our bus stops are HORRIBLE. I don't say that lightly. No cover so if it rains you're fucked. NO seating at all (except in maybe one or two stops that I've seen, out of the dozens Denton has) so I'd be standing there for several SEVERAL minutes waiting, in pain (worse in the cold/rain/snow) and... yeah.
- So, yeah. A fuck load on my mind. A lot of personal drama going on right now too, stuff that's kept me away from everything. Stuff both very close to me, and not so close but it's still distracting. A lot of loss happening right now, for a lot of people. Trying to give as much of me as I can while still staying sane. The balance right now is difficult to find, as the situation I'm close to is... unique, and new to me entirely. I fear sometimes I'm hurting worse than I'm helping.
- Haven't heard anything from the VA about any further appointments. But then, haven't checked the mail since Thursday. I really really need to fill out some paperwork about PTRP but... it scares me to think about. I may need a friend by my side as I write everything down, helping keep me on focus. I thought about taking the paperwork to therapy and doing it there but there's already entirely too much I need to talk about in that hour to waste time writing.
- Despite all that's going on, I do find that my life is full of more happiness than I could ever expect. I've gotten closer to friends than I ever thought possible in a platonic relationship, I find myself so in love with Will it scares me sometimes... but, mostly just comforts. Some of the happiest moments are just sitting next to him on the couch while he plays a video game and I'm on the laptop fooling around online. There's not always a word shared between us, but he's there. And I often have my feet tucked up under his thigh, keeping myself warm.
- Haven't drawn in what feels like ages. I know it's only been maybe a week, tops... been watching Gargoyles on the DVR, the second part of the second season (the one NOT out on DVD, fuck you Disney) and it's been cheering me up. Inspiring me some, too. I'll doodle a little while watching it sometimes. Reminds me of when I used to do this exact thing around the age of 10. But everything on my mind is a giant artistic block. It's frustrating because I desperately want to, but can't seem to make it work.
- My family can frustrate me sometimes... I love my mom despite how strongly we disagree on my lifestyle and choices. But I miss her. I miss my dad, and I wish I could be close to my sister right now to help her with what she's going through, and help her with the baby. Who, btw, no... I still haven't met. I see pictures and video when they post it but I still want to hold him. It might make my ovaries explode, but it's worth the risk. :P
- It's getting colder out. Cold sucks due to OMG PAIN but I do love this season. Curling up all warm inside, lighting a fire, eating warm comfort foods... plus, you know, Christmas and the like. It's good cuddle weather, too. I love cuddling but when it's 105 degrees out even I can't justify it.
- That's all off the top of my admittedly very full head. There's probably more... a lot more... but, that's it for now.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-28 11:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-28 02:59 pm (UTC)Also, here's a random idea: Price out and test drive some mopeds. The money you get from the sale of the car might cover it 100% with a little spending money left over. It still won't save you from the rain, but you should at least have a bit more freedom to run to your appointments, the store, etc. on most other days.