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Jun. 19th, 2014 10:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shingaYesterday was rough. Had the awful 3-5AM bullshit and the mild panic attack kind of just stuck with me all day. I know I was tired and hormonal and that was probably why I couldn't quite shake it.
Had the massage in the morning, which helped a lot. Ate up a bit more of my morning than expected so I didn't have much time to do anything productive at home before we were off to therapy.
Therapy... was rough. I held back a lot, and in the moment it didn't seem that bad. But we talked about the bad early morning panic attack and what led to it and why it happened. Seeking an understanding of the inner workings of my bullshit is frustrating. I left drained and exhausted and uncomfortable with the things I have to start facing now. I spent the rest of that day just... off. Luckily the exhaustion and pain distracted from the hum of panic and anxiety, so I was able to more or less just emotionally shut down until it went away.
It wasn't until that evening that it finally calmed the hell down. I don't know how much anyone really noticed. A couple of friends did ask if I was okay. I kept the answers short and not dishonest but also not completely true either (ie "I'm okay, just in a lot of pain/not feeling well/etc"... all very true and contributing to the suck, but not the core issue)
Glad I went out. Glad I finally eventually calmed down. Went home earlier than usual and more sober than usual. Will was already home and packing, and seemed in a good mood (which is a welcome change from the stress of the last couple of weeks... I think the act of packing makes the vacation seem more tangible and close rather than a potentially stressful idea)... he was chatty and I was tired but glad to have some stress-free time with him. Once he finished I was able to get to sleep pretty easily - woke up a lot during the night but never for long.
Today things are better. I still have that back-of-my-mind hum of panic but that might also just be the weird physical shit too (feeling a bit under the weather... shark week needs to hurry and start, I'd HATE to start that shit on the road) I was able to pack up most everything I'll need next week. To-do list is getting shorter and I feel like I can relax a little bit.
Tomorrow Will's parents and sister should be here sometime in the afternoon. Will's gonna try to get off work a bit early and we'll all pack up and leave as quickly as possible.
I'll have my laptop and phone with me during the week and I'll probably update semi-regularly with pictures and any interesting stories.
Had the massage in the morning, which helped a lot. Ate up a bit more of my morning than expected so I didn't have much time to do anything productive at home before we were off to therapy.
Therapy... was rough. I held back a lot, and in the moment it didn't seem that bad. But we talked about the bad early morning panic attack and what led to it and why it happened. Seeking an understanding of the inner workings of my bullshit is frustrating. I left drained and exhausted and uncomfortable with the things I have to start facing now. I spent the rest of that day just... off. Luckily the exhaustion and pain distracted from the hum of panic and anxiety, so I was able to more or less just emotionally shut down until it went away.
It wasn't until that evening that it finally calmed the hell down. I don't know how much anyone really noticed. A couple of friends did ask if I was okay. I kept the answers short and not dishonest but also not completely true either (ie "I'm okay, just in a lot of pain/not feeling well/etc"... all very true and contributing to the suck, but not the core issue)
Glad I went out. Glad I finally eventually calmed down. Went home earlier than usual and more sober than usual. Will was already home and packing, and seemed in a good mood (which is a welcome change from the stress of the last couple of weeks... I think the act of packing makes the vacation seem more tangible and close rather than a potentially stressful idea)... he was chatty and I was tired but glad to have some stress-free time with him. Once he finished I was able to get to sleep pretty easily - woke up a lot during the night but never for long.
Today things are better. I still have that back-of-my-mind hum of panic but that might also just be the weird physical shit too (feeling a bit under the weather... shark week needs to hurry and start, I'd HATE to start that shit on the road) I was able to pack up most everything I'll need next week. To-do list is getting shorter and I feel like I can relax a little bit.
Tomorrow Will's parents and sister should be here sometime in the afternoon. Will's gonna try to get off work a bit early and we'll all pack up and leave as quickly as possible.
I'll have my laptop and phone with me during the week and I'll probably update semi-regularly with pictures and any interesting stories.