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Aug. 3rd, 2014 10:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shingaI am trying not to freak out about Will's trip. He's talking more about it... about where he's staying in Austria, the little differences in European culture he'll have to adjust to (ie lack of convenience... he'll have to grocery shop during his lunch break because nothing will be open after work)... and I'm GLAD he's talking about it. I can feel his odd balance of excitement and nervousness and it's thick and I'm practically breathing it in. But part of that is, of course, my OWN nervousness and excitement for him. This is a genuinely exciting thing! He gets to travel overseas, something he's never done. He's spending a freaking month in a beautiful foreign country for essentially free. He's already planning things to do in his free time, we're talking about the best times of day to Skype and whatnot (the best time is really just "when he can manage it", as my schedule is obviously a bit more open)... all of this is, really and truly, AMAZING.
I really am happy about this. It's an amazing opportunity. But at the same time... that's the longest we'll have ever been apart since we started dating. And part of me knows that's actually good for us. Not quite in an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" cliche way (well also that)... just... an added appreciation. That sort of "have we been taking each other for granted?" question everyone reaches when you grow comfortable in a long-term relationship. This will be a wake-up call and I think it'll really help us grow as individuals and as a couple. I really am not seeing many downsides to this trip at all... at least logically.
I'm running scenarios in my head of September. Part of the month is sectioned off where I do my own traveling, and that will occupy my time and mind in some wonderful ways. But the REST of the month? Yeah. As much as I'm distracted right now by building up a busy August to keep my mind off of things, I need to keep that in mind for September too. Depression and anxiety are wicked things and if left in silence they'll win more than they'll lose. I don't ever EVER require or expect Will to be this magical fix for those things but he does have a very calming and quieting presence, and it's something I need to learn to work without. I need to be my OWN calming and quieting presence. It's a daunting prospect but also... I think it'll be good for me. I stand on my own two feet pretty well but I've leaned on him more and more the longer we're together. I can't do that.
But who knows. Maybe I DON'T lean on him as much as I worry I do. Maybe September will be a breeze. Maybe I'll realize I'm stronger than I think. Maybe depression and anxiety will fuck right off and I'll step up and handle my household and mind far better than I think I will. Maybe I'll find parts of myself I thought were dormant have actually been patiently waiting for me to just bring them out and everything will be smooth sailing.
I guess it can really go either way. But quite often I find that my anticipation of things ends up far worse than the things themselves. Let's hope this is one of those times.
I really am happy about this. It's an amazing opportunity. But at the same time... that's the longest we'll have ever been apart since we started dating. And part of me knows that's actually good for us. Not quite in an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" cliche way (well also that)... just... an added appreciation. That sort of "have we been taking each other for granted?" question everyone reaches when you grow comfortable in a long-term relationship. This will be a wake-up call and I think it'll really help us grow as individuals and as a couple. I really am not seeing many downsides to this trip at all... at least logically.
I'm running scenarios in my head of September. Part of the month is sectioned off where I do my own traveling, and that will occupy my time and mind in some wonderful ways. But the REST of the month? Yeah. As much as I'm distracted right now by building up a busy August to keep my mind off of things, I need to keep that in mind for September too. Depression and anxiety are wicked things and if left in silence they'll win more than they'll lose. I don't ever EVER require or expect Will to be this magical fix for those things but he does have a very calming and quieting presence, and it's something I need to learn to work without. I need to be my OWN calming and quieting presence. It's a daunting prospect but also... I think it'll be good for me. I stand on my own two feet pretty well but I've leaned on him more and more the longer we're together. I can't do that.
But who knows. Maybe I DON'T lean on him as much as I worry I do. Maybe September will be a breeze. Maybe I'll realize I'm stronger than I think. Maybe depression and anxiety will fuck right off and I'll step up and handle my household and mind far better than I think I will. Maybe I'll find parts of myself I thought were dormant have actually been patiently waiting for me to just bring them out and everything will be smooth sailing.
I guess it can really go either way. But quite often I find that my anticipation of things ends up far worse than the things themselves. Let's hope this is one of those times.
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Date: 2014-08-03 05:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-08-04 06:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-08-04 08:24 pm (UTC)