(no subject)

[shinga]

I know it's not healthy, probably, but I'm finding myself wishing I could replace some of my emotions with anger. Anger is exhausting but it's a quick burn, it leads to action, it DOES SOMETHING. Things like insecurity, jealousy, fear... they run me in circles, slow me down, fill me with regret and doubt. I'm so exhausted by it. Constant anger would theoretically be worse, but I'm not looking for 100% rage all the time or anything. I just want... I don't know. Something else. Something that's not a constant low-key quietly throbbing gloominess. Anger might be something that's frequently used wrong, that can lead to destruction, but it's like fire. Fire, if wielded right, is incredibly useful and productive. It gets shit done.

Maybe I need more of it. So long as I keep it under control.

I don't know. I just want out of this self-locked cage. I want fire instead of ice. I feel so numb right now, even though there's things happening that should theoretically make me angry. And if I were in a healthier place, they WOULD make me angry. Instead it just makes the numbness worse. Instead I convince myself that it's not worth the energy.

Comments

[curlysarah]

Anger can and should be a productive emotion. Problems arise though when you're angry and lack the tools or abilities to effectively address the source of your anger. It's just as consuming. Results and action are the retardant and when you can't put out that fire it will consume you. Something I've been battling with quite a bit lately. We should become Buddhists and master the art of inner peace or something. *hugz*

[flemco]

Anger is exhausting but it's a quick burn,

For you, perhaps. Not for this bitch. It's just one component in the fuel I burn every day.

[shinga]

Oh yeah, it's definitely that way for me, doesn't mean jack shit for anyone else. I mean, "quick" can last me all damn day but it's draining if it goes that long. Generally I get angry, I get productive, and once that action is taken the anger goes away. It's a tool. Once that tool is used, it's put away pretty quickly.

Depression and all that shit, on the meantime, does nothing. I can't even get good emo poetry out of this, it's bullshit. Fuckin' broke-ass brain. ;)