(no subject)

The problem with crying yourself to sleep when you have insomnia is that... well, it doesn't work out well. Instead of getting to the sleeping part you just lay there for hours, crying, your thoughts getting darker and crueler until your insides feel hollow and sickly.

I feel so utterly alone right now, and worse, that the one I want to be held by and close to right now is simply annoyed by my tears. Or at least it seems that way. Which is fair, I'm whiny and it's late.

I should really start hiding myself better.

(no subject)

Will woke up and came to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. I cried and cried and talked about some things that were beating me down lately. He was a comfort, and I'm glad. I'm still upset and feeling crappy but I'm going to watch crappy 90s movies on HBO to cheer up or something. I can sleep in tomorrow.

(no subject)

Considering shutting myself away from people for a while. Everyone. Just hole myself up in my house and not come out. It's been brought to my attention that I've grown weak. That I don't rely on myself enough, and rely too much on others. That I should be stronger. That I throw my problems, whether it be my disability or the shit going on, in people's faces.

So fuck it. Fuck being around people if that's what's making me weak and pathetic. Apparently the best way for me to live is as alone as possible so I can be strong.

So I'll stop crying in front of friends and loved ones. I'll stop talking about what's going on with me or my family. Because if I can't shoulder it on my own, everyone is going to grow sick of me and pull away.

Guess that's something that happens when you spend most of your life being ~the strong one~... when you're weak, you're just disgusting.

(no subject)

I think last night and today has been me finally completely breaking down after a month of pushing as hard as I can to stay upright. Between my family falling apart and me feeling down in general due to weather (as much as I love the night, I thrive on the sun... so winter is a bit exhausting for me) and a few other things... just the usual I think, feeling pretty useless in life. Like since I don't have a normal-person job I feel like I'm not contributing to the world or life or anything much. I mean, it's pretty clearly not true... I pay my half of the bills for instance, and I make enough money to get by. But still, it's hard being stuck at home all week. Makes dark thoughts even darker.

And I haven't heard from the VA in weeks, so I have no idea if there are more appointments coming up or if any progress is being made and dear God in heaven what a headache.

But yeah, I just snapped last night. Looking back absolutely nothing triggered it. I was doing just fine, crawled into bed with my love, lay there and just... started crying. At first I had no idea why (and actually I may never have known why) then the more I tried to stop the more I couldn't, and my head went all sorts of horrible places. And I tried but I couldn't stop crying, sobbing. I eventually got up and went into the livingroom (which is when Will came out to be with me, and that did help... as did an episode of Psych before going back to bed)

But this morning, despite it being a new day and my head clearing before I went to bed, it all came rushing back. It's like I have another side to me that just completely takes over, lying to my own mind, telling me all sorts of horrid things and at that moment I'm far too broken to believe anything but that lone voice screaming.

Pulling myself out of it again, or trying to. Will is helping, as are many friends who worried. I've stopped crying and my head still feels too heavy but it's clearer than it was an hour ago. It's not a clean start but it's something.

I think next time I'm at the doctor I might see if we can try a new anti-depressant. Since this last dosage-uppage (yeah it's a word) I've been far worse off. It helped the problem the doctor increased it for in the first place (anxiety) but my depression has gotten pretty intense. Sure the stuff with my family happened at the SAME TIME so that's not helping much, but I should feel suicidal at random moments. Not to mention since day one this medication has had some annoying side effects.

I worry about starting something new, but it might be for the best.

(no subject)

Had a beautiful moment earlier. Drank kava tea, had some chocolate, took vitamin D, and was hit by the sleepy. I opened the blinds in the livingroom so I could have some sunlight (always good for my mood), left the light on and the fan on the lowest setting and laid down.

Suddenly it felt like I was laying outside in the spring, a light breeze in an otherwise warm area, plenty of light... I felt at such peace. Fell asleep smoothly and happily, had a lot of vivid but altogether silly dreams.

Ordered myself some tasty wings, watching Psych. Will's out with a friend for the night. It's a good night.

(no subject)

It's official, my meds are entirely jacked up omg. I start the day severely depressed and borderline suicidal, I make an oddly smooth transition to peaceful beyond all reason, now I'm in an oddly... well, confident/sexy/predatory is the best way to put it. I have an odd amount of pride in the shape of my ass right now.

I think I'll give the VA a call tomorrow, make an appointment to be like "lol fuck Prozac let's try something else, for real you guys"

For real