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Feb. 13th, 2013 05:09 pmTalked with a friend, and said friend is right. I've been... angry lately. Defensive. Prickly, even. I don't know the entire reason, I know it's been a bunch of little things. I feel like I'm fighting a war every day just getting through it, and enemies have been created where they really don't belong. It's not that I literally think loved ones are against me, but for some reason I'm angry. I fight and push away and in my head it's justified. Maybe sometimes it is, but my head certainly explodes it into this huge thing.
I'm not going to completely tell myself I'm always overreacting. That sets up the possibility of going the opposite of my current position and become some abused doormat. But I need to find a balance, to figure out how to go back to being happy and peaceful rather than angry. I need to start trusting people again and where trust is fractured I need to work toward repairing.
Part of working on this is pushing the VA doctors. They essentially blew me off ("we'll leave a note for the doctor" = "yeah whatever, we're already running tests for something else so you're overreacting") but seriously? For MONTHS now I've essentially had 24/7 PMS. My cycle is so fucked that me not PMSy is actually the more unusual thing right now. It's frustrating. I don't want to go back on the pill but I'll do it if it helps. But I worry it'll make it worse because getting on the pill in the first place is when all this imbalance started.
But yeah. Just imagine... PMS. Full time. It's maddening and I know that and usual depression issues and normal everyday This Is Life stress all combined is clouding my vision entirely. Like there's a fog I'm walking around in and I've gotten so scared I've done the only thing I could think of to protect myself... I've gone on the offensive. Everything is a threat and I intend to fight it. And fuck that... that's no way to live.
I'll be okay. I ask my friends to be patient with me... if it seems like I'm angry, I might be. It's rare that it's anything personal. There's an invisible enemy I'm fighting and I think there's been collateral damage and for that I'm sorry. Hopefully everything can heal, starting with getting rid of this mental and emotional fog... because all I imagine in the fog is enemies, and you know what... I know that's not true. It's not. I know the people in the fog love me and I've been holding weapons up to their throats in fear. I'm sorry. But I'll be okay.
*edit: I quit the birth control over two years ago, so this isn't "BC withdrawal" hormonal stuff. I had that, it pretty much went away, then this recent spike happened more recently and has been WAY worse than anything the birth control ever did. That was unclear, my bad
I'm not going to completely tell myself I'm always overreacting. That sets up the possibility of going the opposite of my current position and become some abused doormat. But I need to find a balance, to figure out how to go back to being happy and peaceful rather than angry. I need to start trusting people again and where trust is fractured I need to work toward repairing.
Part of working on this is pushing the VA doctors. They essentially blew me off ("we'll leave a note for the doctor" = "yeah whatever, we're already running tests for something else so you're overreacting") but seriously? For MONTHS now I've essentially had 24/7 PMS. My cycle is so fucked that me not PMSy is actually the more unusual thing right now. It's frustrating. I don't want to go back on the pill but I'll do it if it helps. But I worry it'll make it worse because getting on the pill in the first place is when all this imbalance started.
But yeah. Just imagine... PMS. Full time. It's maddening and I know that and usual depression issues and normal everyday This Is Life stress all combined is clouding my vision entirely. Like there's a fog I'm walking around in and I've gotten so scared I've done the only thing I could think of to protect myself... I've gone on the offensive. Everything is a threat and I intend to fight it. And fuck that... that's no way to live.
I'll be okay. I ask my friends to be patient with me... if it seems like I'm angry, I might be. It's rare that it's anything personal. There's an invisible enemy I'm fighting and I think there's been collateral damage and for that I'm sorry. Hopefully everything can heal, starting with getting rid of this mental and emotional fog... because all I imagine in the fog is enemies, and you know what... I know that's not true. It's not. I know the people in the fog love me and I've been holding weapons up to their throats in fear. I'm sorry. But I'll be okay.
*edit: I quit the birth control over two years ago, so this isn't "BC withdrawal" hormonal stuff. I had that, it pretty much went away, then this recent spike happened more recently and has been WAY worse than anything the birth control ever did. That was unclear, my bad